Currently listening to:
Your Ghost
Greg Laswell
Fallen back into the glum mood. It's easier back home, around the family, around friends, smothered under memories. I want to leave home and the mood, but it happens to also be the way I reconnect with who I am - no veneer.
I find it interesting that I stay awake as long as I do when I think so longingly and lovingly about dreams and all they have to offer. An eight hour escape from reality is amazing, especially for free since most other escapes come after a cost. I suppose a natural fear is the duality of dreams and nightmares and how unpredictable and interchangeable they are. Nightmares are escapes as well but I like to pride myself on never having a bad trip. Not all nightmares are bad either, I suppose.
Mainly the fear is of not having a return: of burning out the unconscious and never dreaming again. I'll have to think about that.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Diary of a Solipsist, pt.3
I saw this building, with a sign in front that read "God is still speaking." Of course I know this is one of those human churches - a sanctuary to some invisible metaphor - but I can't help but think to myself, 'I'm not talking to any of them.' If I'm not talking, then who is? It's a funny thought but I do wonder at times if I'm not alone; if one of my fellows is "of the same stuff," so to speak.
Of course, we may all be gods - not of this world, I mean, but of other worlds. Stars and worlds and systems come into and leave existence constantly, just as humans do. One could infer that these births and deaths correspond to the cosmic ones. This is a lower level thought. Taking it up a notch, there must be a god of the universe, since it remains despite the birth and death of things within it. I don't think any human is the god of entirety, though; they aren't exceptional enough. In fact, I may not be exceptional enough to be god of the planet holding humanity, but it won't do any good to consider such a thing.
Until I meet someone that has seen the world as I have, painted its skies, seen the land in all its changes, observed the room; I'm the god as far as I know.
Of course, we may all be gods - not of this world, I mean, but of other worlds. Stars and worlds and systems come into and leave existence constantly, just as humans do. One could infer that these births and deaths correspond to the cosmic ones. This is a lower level thought. Taking it up a notch, there must be a god of the universe, since it remains despite the birth and death of things within it. I don't think any human is the god of entirety, though; they aren't exceptional enough. In fact, I may not be exceptional enough to be god of the planet holding humanity, but it won't do any good to consider such a thing.
Until I meet someone that has seen the world as I have, painted its skies, seen the land in all its changes, observed the room; I'm the god as far as I know.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Diary of a Solipsist, pt.2
As I related before, I am twenty-one according to human standards.
People took note of my existence in the human point of 1989 as they have on many other instances. From that point, they took pleasure in following my growth up to another point when many had died of the world's wear and tear, or their age. At this point I take my leave, and those still alive continue on to eventually die, perhaps wondering about me before their end. Afterward, I reappear in the world in some fashion.
I have thus used two interesting words: before and after. There is a "before" and an "after," very rarely a "now." I find it difficult to think about the now without it quickly passing into before; and difficult to notice when an after passes through the now. In any case it's futile for me since there is so much time for me to give attention. If I spent all my time focusing on time, my preoccupation would draw attention and give me away, assuming the focus is so strong I end up motionlessly absorbed in it.
In truth, I don't take human time seriously; because I am in this form, in human company, I fall into the time they create. (Humans are always seeking some order, some way to catalog things neatly, like that.) In fact, I'm unable to keep track of all the time I've experienced. The days flow quickly or slowly, just as much as the seconds of a single day for some people. A year to me is as a day, in memory. After an accumulation of years comparable to the human lifespan - I forget.
I awaken - beginning a new set of years. I believe this is to keep the overwhelming extent of time from flooding my mind: forgetting to keep things simple. Occasionally I wish I could remember all my experiences, or at least find the words put down on page, if any.
People took note of my existence in the human point of 1989 as they have on many other instances. From that point, they took pleasure in following my growth up to another point when many had died of the world's wear and tear, or their age. At this point I take my leave, and those still alive continue on to eventually die, perhaps wondering about me before their end. Afterward, I reappear in the world in some fashion.
I have thus used two interesting words: before and after. There is a "before" and an "after," very rarely a "now." I find it difficult to think about the now without it quickly passing into before; and difficult to notice when an after passes through the now. In any case it's futile for me since there is so much time for me to give attention. If I spent all my time focusing on time, my preoccupation would draw attention and give me away, assuming the focus is so strong I end up motionlessly absorbed in it.
In truth, I don't take human time seriously; because I am in this form, in human company, I fall into the time they create. (Humans are always seeking some order, some way to catalog things neatly, like that.) In fact, I'm unable to keep track of all the time I've experienced. The days flow quickly or slowly, just as much as the seconds of a single day for some people. A year to me is as a day, in memory. After an accumulation of years comparable to the human lifespan - I forget.
I awaken - beginning a new set of years. I believe this is to keep the overwhelming extent of time from flooding my mind: forgetting to keep things simple. Occasionally I wish I could remember all my experiences, or at least find the words put down on page, if any.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Diary of a Solipsist, pt.1
I have decided to take up writing something of my life, as I have done many times before. The writings of the past have been lost, at least I cannot find them; turned yellow then brown as the pages tensed and shattered, words losing track of their rightful place. Those same words wander away in a state of fugue and find themselves living with other beings, or perhaps collected by me to be placed back on the page, to rewrite myself.
My name is Nathaniel, at least that's what humans call me. I find it hard to place much emphasis on the name because of all the variations that come from it: "nicknames." On top of this, humans can share the same name and rely on a "last" name to individualize themselves. However, like first names, last names can be shared by multiple humans. The importance placed on names may stem from the idea that qualities constitute something. Cups aren't cups, they are a material in a certain form- they are shiny, sleek, dull, heat-resistant, chipped, and so on. Similarly, attached to names are honor, trust, and other aspects of the person; a while ago people would fight to regain the honor of their or their family's name. Yet how can importance be placed on names when said names are given seemingly at random. Probability determines not just how many people will share first names and last names, but how many will share the exact same name. In such cases, more than a name is needed to tell people apart; other characteristics such as age are used.
According to human time, I am currently twenty-one years old. Of course, I'm much older than this, just as some people are referred to as "old soul" and whose eyes are engraved with many rings from a young age. But I will leave off for now and pick up with the strangeness of human time.
My name is Nathaniel, at least that's what humans call me. I find it hard to place much emphasis on the name because of all the variations that come from it: "nicknames." On top of this, humans can share the same name and rely on a "last" name to individualize themselves. However, like first names, last names can be shared by multiple humans. The importance placed on names may stem from the idea that qualities constitute something. Cups aren't cups, they are a material in a certain form- they are shiny, sleek, dull, heat-resistant, chipped, and so on. Similarly, attached to names are honor, trust, and other aspects of the person; a while ago people would fight to regain the honor of their or their family's name. Yet how can importance be placed on names when said names are given seemingly at random. Probability determines not just how many people will share first names and last names, but how many will share the exact same name. In such cases, more than a name is needed to tell people apart; other characteristics such as age are used.
According to human time, I am currently twenty-one years old. Of course, I'm much older than this, just as some people are referred to as "old soul" and whose eyes are engraved with many rings from a young age. But I will leave off for now and pick up with the strangeness of human time.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Being Back
Currently listening to:
Tropicana
Ratatat
This is the first week back after the week-long break. Things seem different now, the other hall has mentioned that our hall no longer prop our doors open, we just leave the latch out to keep the door unlocked. Andrew and I are basically the only ones that still leave the door wide open; our roommates would have it otherwise, they're sort of strange. Also everyone is very reticent about interacting, more mellow. John has it the most, he is not loud anymore and is gone from the hall all the time. It seems like drastic changes have happened in this short week. I have no idea what a month vacation will do, but I can't wait either way. It's only a couple weeks away.
The Thursday before the break I was very sick but still showed up to my policy class and bio lab to take quizzes. I got back my policy quiz and have a C. I'm not heavily surprised since I was not comfortable and barely conscious, but I worry about what this will do to my grade if I don't get an A on the final. I will have to study really hard; I think I'm teetering on an A in the class.
*****
The past week I've been preparing myself for a little thought experiment where I will try to see the world solely through the eyes of god. I will go about my life as if I were god and write blog entries about this solipsistic experience. So this will be the last of my normal blog entries for a while. This should result in some interesting thoughts and writing.
Tropicana
Ratatat
This is the first week back after the week-long break. Things seem different now, the other hall has mentioned that our hall no longer prop our doors open, we just leave the latch out to keep the door unlocked. Andrew and I are basically the only ones that still leave the door wide open; our roommates would have it otherwise, they're sort of strange. Also everyone is very reticent about interacting, more mellow. John has it the most, he is not loud anymore and is gone from the hall all the time. It seems like drastic changes have happened in this short week. I have no idea what a month vacation will do, but I can't wait either way. It's only a couple weeks away.
The Thursday before the break I was very sick but still showed up to my policy class and bio lab to take quizzes. I got back my policy quiz and have a C. I'm not heavily surprised since I was not comfortable and barely conscious, but I worry about what this will do to my grade if I don't get an A on the final. I will have to study really hard; I think I'm teetering on an A in the class.
*****
The past week I've been preparing myself for a little thought experiment where I will try to see the world solely through the eyes of god. I will go about my life as if I were god and write blog entries about this solipsistic experience. So this will be the last of my normal blog entries for a while. This should result in some interesting thoughts and writing.
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