My Pet

We curl with our machines for warmth.
For you I would call forth past lives
that alchemically produced current that feeds you
feeding you, warming me.

"Do you know how they say that love is like a dream? With a dream, you eventually wake up from it. It's hard to force yourself to wake up."

- Kumin Tsuyuri, Chuunibyou Demo Koi Ga Shitai! Ren
From episode 11, time 8:15 - 8:26.

Kind of Blue

Everyone Knows This is Nowhere

America Seen series - Yu-Chen Chiu

The Long Goodbye (leaving CO on the 24th)

Atey Gailan

The Sky is Broken

The clouds opened above Denver and let out a snow that hung almost motionless, as if blown from the mountain. The snow was aflame, tinting everything orange - tiny campfires in the sky.
The sky was broken. Somewhere, someone dialed 1-800.

I Had That Dream Again

Fragments

He wasn't happy in high school and he didn't speak to people often. When he did, he spoke of angels.

or

By the time the company decided to offer a large salary to retain the employee, he had already turned to a mist, cascading backwards, exiting between the atoms of the walls.

The Perk

"I look at people holding hands in the hallways, and I try to think about how it all works. At the school dances, I sit in the background, and I tap my toe, and I wonder how many couples will dance to 'their song.' In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys’ jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are."

 

Colder Now Than Last Year

R.O.D.

A Conflict of Dreams

I had a strange dream, set in a sort of camp; I remember running back to a picnic bench with people around it.

I think I noticed a pack of wolves, giant ones, hanging at a distance, playing with each other, and one came over to me. I was sitting on the bench and it jumped up next to me and rested its head on my lap as a domestic dog would do. Then I saw a giant red fox, maybe six feet long, and the wolf ran after it and they started fighting. I asked one of the people if the wolf would be okay, and they said, "sure, dogs always beat cats."

 

HOWEVER,

that's the story that makes sense in words (that follow dream chronology), but the images I remember from the dream tell a different, fragmented story.

I remember seeing the six-foot-long red fox at a distance and I went over to it. After picking it up, I ran back to the bench and then noticed the wolves, one of which was watching me. On the bench, I let the huge fox curl in my lap. The wolf came over and sat sort of like a domestic dog, and that's how the scene was for a while. I believe I didn't move at all because I was afraid of any sudden  violence the wolf might do.

Then the fox ran off and the wolf chased it and fought with it. I asked the same person if the fox would be okay and they said they didn't know because it was a wolf fighting a fox.

 

It's like I had two versions of the same dream but can only remember the chronology of one and the images of the other.

Pregnant Winter

It's a weird feeling to hear a friend is pregnant or is planning on having a child. It happens so infrequently thanks to the small number of friends I keep that I'm unable to get used to it. The shock is that it's someone I am familiar and close to, but also someone in my age group. I suppose my mind lives in a previous set where we are all still innocent children trying to act grown up, and there are those actually doing it: having kids and graduating college. I'm not sure if I still feel like I'm being left behind or if I'm envious of others moving forward or if I'm sad they aren't staying with me. I guess we all grow up. Still, it makes me feel very fragile to see big leaps happening and the happiness over the progression. I wonder when I'll grow up the same way, or if my feet will run forward while my upper body turns to claw backwards. These feelings are almost exactly like the way I feel when I hear The Smashing Pumpkins.

Lonely

The song of the day is "Terrible Love" by The National.

It seems almost a crime that someone who can make a friend so easily should be so lonely.

Hopeless Romantic

One thing that has not, and probably won't, change about me is that I'm a romanticist. Emotion flows through me in such quantity that it flows over me. Like a fuse struck by too much power, with a POP, it all goes out. I often have to recharge because moments of overload are inevitable to those who feel too much. I'm fragile and hurt, lost and confused, lonely and longing.
The worst part about the mind is how it can create something so big that never existed; something true to only one person.

Once Upon a Time In My Life

There's nothing really to say. Drank and watched Rocky Horror for the first time, with a couple friends. I still am not sure what I watched but it kept me asleep with weird dreams until noon; not to mention the Bonobo I listened to at the same time. I really couldn't stomach the gin I bought, even though every other time I tried it it seemed fine. So I ended up passing what was left in the bottle for ten dollars which was taking a serious hit. I'd rather have the ten dollars to apply to a bottle of Frangelica or something, though, I think.
Rebekah posted the date for her senior recital, but I can't go because of how removed I am, spatially and temporally. I wish I could go see her though that probably won't happen until she's out of school in her own place.
I don't feel like doing anything; it feels like half the semester should be over already. I can't believe I'm already this burned out. It would be nice to have just started working my way more into the NPS after this summer, to be actually doing something and making some money. There aren't really any campus jobs I can do right now and I'm busy enough with clubs and homework as it is.
I think I'll just nail out a homework assignment today and smoke and eat ramen. Maybe cook something for the future tonight. Blah..

Snippet

"I have the Scott Pilgrim movie."
"Oh, that's a great one!"
"I like movies where the guy gets the girl, but it also makes me sad."
"Why is that?"
"Because they make it look so easy."

A Little Longing Goes a Long Way

Shit Show

Today was terrible. Since the new intern joined up with us yesterday I took that to be a good sign since he seemed to be good company. However, I didn't realize that having a third worker meant that things would change and she wouldn't keep out personal matters since she didn't really need me anymore.

We started off the day and were looking for the transect and our run with Fort Union has been pretty bad because so many rebar haven't been found and it was believed to be a mistake in the parameters of the GPS unit. So, of course, we couldn't find the first rebar and after a few minutes I commented that if we didn't find it we should call Tomye and ask what to do. So we went on looking and Chris and I started joking with each other about how the bars were never there, while we were looking. One of the jokes was "The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Missing Rebar" and I sent that to Tomye who thought it was funny.

Apparently, Tomye sent a message to Jill saying how much time to spend looking for rebar. At the time I was taking a little break near where the first rebar was supposed to be. Suddenly I hear this yelling and cursing; Jill was yelling at me to start looking again. So I started going again and Chris, who worked with her last year, said she had yelled at him a couple times last year and blamed it later on her diabetes or "girl thing." She's always making excuses and not just taking responsibility for things.

Eventually she came back to the original point after doing her 100+ meter radius (our transects are only 50 meters). She told Chris to start working and me to come with her to the car. That's when my stomach started hurting. She took the spare car key from me and basically put me in time-out by the car for that transect. The whole situation felt like a mom towards her son who had done something wrong. I told her I had only sent a joke and that I was only taking a break when she yelled. She told me to think about what I'd done and went to work, leaving me by the car without water.

The rest of the day I had a stomach ache and my hands would shake when I was around her. I knew that it was because of fear. I've been afraid of her most of the summer because of how unpredictable, and therefore dangerous, she is with her personality tweaks. I've never felt this afraid, though. Chris was a good guy and he couldn't believe all he'd seen.

I knew I couldn't trust her. She's overreacted before. This was just a terrible, depressing day and there's still a lot more to go. If she tries to put me in time-out again I'll call Tomye because I'm not fifteen and I'm here to work and I do good work and never let personal feelings interfere.

This Isn't Happiness

Why do I keep getting a fucking king sized bed when it's just me? Jesus Christ. I just want to go home and smoke and escape myself.

Laying in Bed Under the Light of My Cell Phone

Last night I had a thought, that I go to sleep when it gets dark only to wake up again when it gets light. That light gives way to dark and then light again, back and forth. I feel like I'm getting tired of the pattern maybe because what I do during the day is so repetitive. I kind of wished that I could do one or the other instead of switching back and forth so rapidly. You know, sleep for an extended period of time then be awake for a similar amount of time. Embrace night or day only. I really wished I would keep sleeping last night. I think the song "Feel It All Around" by Washed Out captures this feeling.

Another strange thing that happened was a commercial that came on before I went to bed. Some aspect of it made me feel sad with longing. It was a realty commercial with a lady standing with tons of signs stuck into this perfect grassy hill. I think it was how perfect the hill looked that got to me, sort of like some of the landscape scenes from David Byrne's movie True Stories. It's like a road trip where you end up on this road with nothing but smooth grass around; and suddenly there are these houses, like a neighborhood of three houses sprouted along the highway. They appear, are passed, and fade in the distance so quickly almost like they are on an island in the middle of no where. I wonder if this description catches the beautiful feeling I'm trying to get across. I wonder if it will rekindle the feeling in me in the future.

I sent out a card to Dandelion, Jeska and my sister. I think it will arrive Friday, you guys.