Defense Mechanism

I'm overly sympathetic, which is a problem when I also tend to always say the wrong thing, often the intended meaning being something totally different. Thinking longer before speaking isn't the solution; the idea stagnates inside of me until I say it, or write it, at which point I can edit it. The right thing to say always comes later. I don't understand how concision always seems to come off rude or mean. Perhaps it's ambiguous having that little to work with. Perhaps when filling in the blanks, people insert negative meanings, which must mean they are internally negative. I know I often speak negatively, but I believe when I listen to people I insert wonder and sympathy in the blanks - or I try to.

It could be a defense mechanism that I speak [put out] one thing and think [feel] another. I often think this place isn't right for someone like me, or I'm not right for a place like this. It's tiring having that aching feeling in one's heart so often.


I'm always making plans and preparing for the worst. If I visualize something enough, I should be able to face it if it happens. There are only so many backups and eventually one has to be ready for the bottom, which I think is different for each person. Of course, I'm a fatalist. I always think I'll be fired after every mistake. Somehow my mistakes seem to elicit prolonged dissatisfaction from others, or maybe it just seems longer from the first person.

The problem with plans is they're place-sensitive; a plan may work in one place and not in another.