Weekend's End

George Wylesol

Sometimes

Sometimes-
I read an article title and want to click on it.
And sometimes-
I visit the IKEA website and want to buy things.
Then I realize what's going on and run to the other room.

One Month Notice

Almost through with the first week after I gave notice at work. It seems they might actually keep me until the 9th or 16th of February. I'm surprised at how much this is dragging compared to the last time I gave a one month notice. I guess I'm very eager to move on.

Decisions

Part of me wonders if I will get to the end of my life without having made up my mind about staying in it to begin with.

Hot and Cold, pt. 1

Being too warm or too cold, beyond the edge of comfort, is the closest experience of death I’ve had at my age. During high school, I recall forsaking my love of Winter because of the pretentiousness of thinking that way. Naturally people can love Winter when they are in a warm home looking out at it. The truth is I do love Winter, the quiet, cold death. For me, it’s sort of akin to oncoming headlights in the opposite lane – moth syndrome – and if I’m not careful, I might find myself merging into it. It’s an odd, seemingly subconscious desire, to put this body through something; maybe a way of trying to grasp control of this sensory prison.

Life's Waiting Room

Within life's waiting room,
people who have come after
are already called forward
and I continue to wait
I would leave, or inquire
at the reception desk - but
the magazines are quite good.


(Tedium in Seven Syllables)

Defense Mechanism

I'm overly sympathetic, which is a problem when I also tend to always say the wrong thing, often the intended meaning being something totally different. Thinking longer before speaking isn't the solution; the idea stagnates inside of me until I say it, or write it, at which point I can edit it. The right thing to say always comes later. I don't understand how concision always seems to come off rude or mean. Perhaps it's ambiguous having that little to work with. Perhaps when filling in the blanks, people insert negative meanings, which must mean they are internally negative. I know I often speak negatively, but I believe when I listen to people I insert wonder and sympathy in the blanks - or I try to.

It could be a defense mechanism that I speak [put out] one thing and think [feel] another. I often think this place isn't right for someone like me, or I'm not right for a place like this. It's tiring having that aching feeling in one's heart so often.


I'm always making plans and preparing for the worst. If I visualize something enough, I should be able to face it if it happens. There are only so many backups and eventually one has to be ready for the bottom, which I think is different for each person. Of course, I'm a fatalist. I always think I'll be fired after every mistake. Somehow my mistakes seem to elicit prolonged dissatisfaction from others, or maybe it just seems longer from the first person.

The problem with plans is they're place-sensitive; a plan may work in one place and not in another.

I'm Still Alive

Sorry I've been absent from here for a while. I've got four tests coming up tomorrow and Friday plus the Thursday lab. This is the first week I've felt overwhelmed and yet still calm at the same time. I think this conflict of feeling caused me to be more apathetic and distant which some people took to be anger. Maybe I am frustrated, I don't know. Once the weekend is here I hope to be 100% again. This last weekend my roommate was gone and everyone else left for day trips, so I was here alone and I think that allowed me to return to my normal levels of peace, rather than the extremely outgoing person I am when everyone is here. Perhaps, adjusting back to the outgoing self is rough.
Anyway, I finally got the Sam Prekop CD I've been trying to get for so long and Perryl is sending me his corduroy fisherman's cap I love and Rebekah is sending a letter, and other packages I've ordered. I still need to write my sister, family, and Dandelion.
I don't like eating here much anymore. After a meal (especially breakfast) I feel uncomfortable, like a weak stomachache. I can't wait to live off campus and cook for myself.

It's getting cold here.

I'm Disillusioned

Currently listening to:
Do You Realize?
Flaming Lips

So last night, I met Kayla at White Rock Lake and we talked and drank champagne. The field wasn't foggy like last time, I guess it's a thing of the seasons. Anyway, it was humid and warm and I felt all sticky. Kayla and I tried to figure out the back seats of my car since I haven't really had to deal with them at all. By 2 AM I was just mush in consciousness, so Kayla decided it was time to go.
*****
Theeen, in the morning I awoke to a ticket on my windshield. An hour after I got home, some cop charged me for parking the wrong way on a street. I wasn't aware I could park wrong and not feel like something was wrong! It truly is a BS non-moving rule since parking either way doesn't hinder other drivers. So now I know something that should have been taught to me in Driver's Ed. I think they should do warnings before punishing, especially since cops patrol our neighborhood every night and I've been parking the same way since I got the car.

I went to get Jonathan so he could be moral support as I got my passport papers turned in. Turns out everything my mom had printed was out of date, so I transcribed and found out passports aren't $97 anymore; they are $110 plus $25 processing. Of course, it's not that simple; the $110 had to be on a check, while the $25 had to be in cash. Seems very unsafe to be dealing with cash.
I feel pilfered and I assume this is how adults feel everyday. Each time I get punished without warning, I just become totally apathetic. We need money to live in the current society, but the society actively sucks money out of us for small insignificant things. Really: who cares which direction my car faces on a two-way street?

We left for Kayla's and I realized that we had left the outdated forms on the bench and it had my SSN on it with every other detail of my life. So I called the office once we got to Kayla's and was put on hold. For the next ten minutes visions of Mexicans flooding into the country under my identity (a running joke for the rest of the day) flashed before my eyes, until someone answered. I told the guy to burn the papers, but he shredded them instead.

The three of us went to El Fenix, the second time for me recently. I had a margarita that was three times stronger than previous ones, but I also had an empty stomach except for the mounds of chips and tortillas I ate. I swear I will never eat at any of those affiliated restaurants as long as I remember. So I stumbled out and we watched Cheaters at Kayla's for a while. I swear I will not watch TV as long as I remember.

Then I skipped class. School in a week. I'm scared.

Funerals

I was a leader again, at work. After work my apathy level steadily rose. I think this happens after periods of stressful emotion, sort of a burn out, and I'm mellow. Maybe it's also like getting sick: you catch it and then you're immune from getting it again immediately. Interesting stuff.

So while I was busy not caring in math class, I kind of did this eye rolling head falling thing and I thought I might be in the process of fainting. I wish I had, the day would have been more interesting; though I would have to make up the math test, and I'm glad I got that out of the way. Hurrah for not fainting, then!

Today's thought features funeral processions because one passed me a couple weeks ago. I find it odd that someone's leftovers are carted in parade fashion, and that everyone seems to know to not drive passed it. No one worries about being late for work.
I know it's a respect deal, but then no one respects a vehicle carrying a piano. I see little difference in the remains of a tree and the remains of a human, except that the tree does even more after death. It's going to be weird when we run out of places to bury people.

I wonder when I'm going to run out of ideas to babble about.
-I've never met a tree I didn't like- (can't say that about many things in life)