Currently listening to:
La Mer, Jeu de vagues
Claude Debussy
I don't believe I like holidays. They make me feel awkward because I don't like the large crowds that result or the seeing of people I haven't seen in a long time, I don't know what to do around them. Holidays seem to interrupt the daily existence I become used to - as well as the person I became in all that steady time.
However, I do enjoy the idea of Christmas: the family/friend dinner by a fire while the world outside is bare and white and the way smells are so poignant on top of the uniform smell of cold. It's a holiday that shuts you in with tea and a book, if not in the company of another.
Still, I don't know why I feel this way; it only serves to isolate me from the standard college student. I guess I haven't found the people that are more like me; maybe I don't want to deal with people; maybe I just need a break from this college.
EDITX
I'm really not unhappy here. I think I just need a break. As I posted a while ago, it's hard to really feel and be emotionally involved out here. People interpret my mood differently and some even get upset, specifically Robyn. The way they interpret tells me they don't really know me, perhaps my fault, though I'll claim the ignorance of not even knowing myself - especially not since I've come out here.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Overcome With Bouts of Misanthropy
He was often predisposed to feelings of confused discomfort, much like the feeling of being watched when no one is around. That something was wrong, but he didn't know what.
"What's wrong? You always look a little sad, a little angry."
He spoke of nature and how long before the conceptual form of a cylinder mathematicians know and love existed, the trees had been producing such shapes out of necessity; of math which rests on a foundation of concepts which have never been seen in their purest, seeing two birds but never the two itself, for example; of time which twists numbers into something much different, and the girl who believes solely in it, tying dates and times intimately together with the events of the corporeal world.
He retold the story of young Arthur turned to a bird by Merlin to see that his land had no boundary, that property lines were man-made and so existed only within man; he pointed to the concrete below and lines traversed and crossed each other in a giant checkerboard.
He confessed that to preserve something implied the killing of it, a living bear could not be stuffed until it was dead; that the American man was concerned with this preservation over conservation; and he gestured to overweight American Indians in full dress dancing to the drum and chant of Mexican and Hawaiian and Japanese alike, for Native American Month; and he spoke of the South American tribes that remained untouched, "conserved."
He always looked a little sad, a little angry.
"What's wrong? You always look a little sad, a little angry."
He spoke of nature and how long before the conceptual form of a cylinder mathematicians know and love existed, the trees had been producing such shapes out of necessity; of math which rests on a foundation of concepts which have never been seen in their purest, seeing two birds but never the two itself, for example; of time which twists numbers into something much different, and the girl who believes solely in it, tying dates and times intimately together with the events of the corporeal world.
He retold the story of young Arthur turned to a bird by Merlin to see that his land had no boundary, that property lines were man-made and so existed only within man; he pointed to the concrete below and lines traversed and crossed each other in a giant checkerboard.
He confessed that to preserve something implied the killing of it, a living bear could not be stuffed until it was dead; that the American man was concerned with this preservation over conservation; and he gestured to overweight American Indians in full dress dancing to the drum and chant of Mexican and Hawaiian and Japanese alike, for Native American Month; and he spoke of the South American tribes that remained untouched, "conserved."
He always looked a little sad, a little angry.
Friday, October 29, 2010
If I Were To Go
Currently listening to:
Thrill is gone
B.B.King
Last night I had this weird sort of headache and sore back. It was a sort of pressure in my head that made me lose feeling so that everything was dull. There have been some cases of meningococcal disease on campus, one resulting in death. I thought to myself as I lay in bed, what if I have this meningitis form? and perhaps this was my last night (death supposedly results quickly from it). I've always believed diseases should be kept around for population control, so I knew not to be fearful of any sort of end; I don't want to be contradictory. If this was to be the end, then so be it, my regrets being the writings I didn't finish and the packages I ordered that I wouldn't receive. Fortunately Dandelion's stuff was sent out earlier in the week.
This morning my back was still sore and I now feel slightly chill, probably a minor fever. I think this is just some twenty-four hour deal.
Thrill is gone
B.B.King
Last night I had this weird sort of headache and sore back. It was a sort of pressure in my head that made me lose feeling so that everything was dull. There have been some cases of meningococcal disease on campus, one resulting in death. I thought to myself as I lay in bed, what if I have this meningitis form? and perhaps this was my last night (death supposedly results quickly from it). I've always believed diseases should be kept around for population control, so I knew not to be fearful of any sort of end; I don't want to be contradictory. If this was to be the end, then so be it, my regrets being the writings I didn't finish and the packages I ordered that I wouldn't receive. Fortunately Dandelion's stuff was sent out earlier in the week.
This morning my back was still sore and I now feel slightly chill, probably a minor fever. I think this is just some twenty-four hour deal.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Mountains of Home
This weekend I went camping with Devin, Andrew, and Brandon. I'll have to write about it in another post when I have more time.
Of note, I have developed a sort of twitch with my left eye. I thought it was because I have been tired lately or the weather was being a little wacky, but it usually only happens when people come into my room to talk to me or if I'm walking and I come up to some people I know. Maybe I'm just tired of my environment in this big college. I need fall break and a long drive.
Of note, I have developed a sort of twitch with my left eye. I thought it was because I have been tired lately or the weather was being a little wacky, but it usually only happens when people come into my room to talk to me or if I'm walking and I come up to some people I know. Maybe I'm just tired of my environment in this big college. I need fall break and a long drive.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Some Ideas
1. Dual perspective short of a moment between a boy who is most stimulated by tactile interactions and an OCD girl tormented by symmetry of touch.
2. Female perspective of being OCD and pursued by a male. Similar to the above but there is no relationship in this one.
He is tired, laying on the floor next to her, who finished eating a snack. He rests his head on her thigh and she puts up no resistance. She goes so far as to run her fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes. I sit not far away, awkwardly not wanting to remain there but not being able to leave immediately. I don't understand the difference in his touch and mine that brings about the difference in her reaction.
2. Female perspective of being OCD and pursued by a male. Similar to the above but there is no relationship in this one.
He is tired, laying on the floor next to her, who finished eating a snack. He rests his head on her thigh and she puts up no resistance. She goes so far as to run her fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes. I sit not far away, awkwardly not wanting to remain there but not being able to leave immediately. I don't understand the difference in his touch and mine that brings about the difference in her reaction.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Like Most Things In Life
Currently reading:
Tales of a Shaman's Apprentice
Mark Plotkin
It's like cold tea with iced cubes floating at the top.
Close inspection of the golden brown liquid reveals currents in the form of diffusion: wisps falling from the cubes, the water making its way through the thickly sweet surroundings. It's like a sheet of thin plastic folding and expanding in a watery environment. I shake the bottle and many air bubbles cascade and swing around the perimeter of the bottle, toward the lid. When everything settles, all is still and uniform.
Tales of a Shaman's Apprentice
Mark Plotkin
It's like cold tea with iced cubes floating at the top.
Close inspection of the golden brown liquid reveals currents in the form of diffusion: wisps falling from the cubes, the water making its way through the thickly sweet surroundings. It's like a sheet of thin plastic folding and expanding in a watery environment. I shake the bottle and many air bubbles cascade and swing around the perimeter of the bottle, toward the lid. When everything settles, all is still and uniform.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I Think I Figured It Out
Currently listening to:
A Cloud to the Back
Sam Prekop
I thought I was feeling overwhelmed but I think I'm actually getting that feeling "pre-break." Around this time, colleges usually have Fall break in the middle of October, but at CSU it happens around Thanksgiving. So I look out the window at the blue sky and see myself as a bird, just escaping. I feel like I need to get out of here, I need Fall break.
A Cloud to the Back
Sam Prekop
I thought I was feeling overwhelmed but I think I'm actually getting that feeling "pre-break." Around this time, colleges usually have Fall break in the middle of October, but at CSU it happens around Thanksgiving. So I look out the window at the blue sky and see myself as a bird, just escaping. I feel like I need to get out of here, I need Fall break.
I'm Still Alive
Sorry I've been absent from here for a while. I've got four tests coming up tomorrow and Friday plus the Thursday lab. This is the first week I've felt overwhelmed and yet still calm at the same time. I think this conflict of feeling caused me to be more apathetic and distant which some people took to be anger. Maybe I am frustrated, I don't know. Once the weekend is here I hope to be 100% again. This last weekend my roommate was gone and everyone else left for day trips, so I was here alone and I think that allowed me to return to my normal levels of peace, rather than the extremely outgoing person I am when everyone is here. Perhaps, adjusting back to the outgoing self is rough.
Anyway, I finally got the Sam Prekop CD I've been trying to get for so long and Perryl is sending me his corduroy fisherman's cap I love and Rebekah is sending a letter, and other packages I've ordered. I still need to write my sister, family, and Dandelion.
I don't like eating here much anymore. After a meal (especially breakfast) I feel uncomfortable, like a weak stomachache. I can't wait to live off campus and cook for myself.
It's getting cold here.
Anyway, I finally got the Sam Prekop CD I've been trying to get for so long and Perryl is sending me his corduroy fisherman's cap I love and Rebekah is sending a letter, and other packages I've ordered. I still need to write my sister, family, and Dandelion.
I don't like eating here much anymore. After a meal (especially breakfast) I feel uncomfortable, like a weak stomachache. I can't wait to live off campus and cook for myself.
It's getting cold here.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Add Our Feelings Together. Divide By 0. Move On.
I want to take note of a recent high I had. It was probably very good, fresh plant material because it didn't seem like I did any more than I have recently, and yet it was sort of an over-high to the point of feeling sick. However, I didn't get so sick that I threw up, so maybe I'm getting better about that or am finding the amount that's good for me.
Anyway, it started out as the general high where certain dialogues are very funny because they're seen in that new light. In the hall, the feeling mounted and I began to feel the mood within the words people spoke. Of course, words have emotional backings to them, they're all charged that way. But the feelings I could sense seemed much more tangible as if they were coming from the mouths of the speakers. It was almost claustrophobic being surrounded by all those feelings.
So I went in my room and laid down and closed my eyes. Stories started up; this concept is very difficult to explain, especially a day after it happened. Essentially, my mind's eye saw "bubbles" or scenes on a stage which were brief and singular. The content was similar to two pictures combining into one fresh scenario. That's about all I can describe it as since I can't completely remember.
The night was emotional and downing and quiet, so I slept twelve hours. The next day was still dazed and foggy and eating brought back the high for some reason. I don't think anything should have still been in my system, but then I've always been a little odd with drugs of all kinds. I called it a sick day and just mooched around until my night lab.
Anyway, it started out as the general high where certain dialogues are very funny because they're seen in that new light. In the hall, the feeling mounted and I began to feel the mood within the words people spoke. Of course, words have emotional backings to them, they're all charged that way. But the feelings I could sense seemed much more tangible as if they were coming from the mouths of the speakers. It was almost claustrophobic being surrounded by all those feelings.
So I went in my room and laid down and closed my eyes. Stories started up; this concept is very difficult to explain, especially a day after it happened. Essentially, my mind's eye saw "bubbles" or scenes on a stage which were brief and singular. The content was similar to two pictures combining into one fresh scenario. That's about all I can describe it as since I can't completely remember.
The night was emotional and downing and quiet, so I slept twelve hours. The next day was still dazed and foggy and eating brought back the high for some reason. I don't think anything should have still been in my system, but then I've always been a little odd with drugs of all kinds. I called it a sick day and just mooched around until my night lab.
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