Grocery Symbiosis

I remember the days working for the park service, during the days off when the townsfolk were supposed to be working and things were mostly still. In those small towns I could never tell where everyone was or where they worked. Most places had one person running the store. I suppose many people could work for the local safeway, or whatever local grocery they have. In such a case, people work and are paid and buy food from their store and the cycle continues. It's sort of a symbiotic relationship. I wonder if a store and workers could support and perpetuate each other. The store would still need the passersby, but could it largely continue to exist off the workers? I'm not sure where all this money comes from and goes in those little forgotten towns.

Warm Places

Warm places:
the arm of someone driving with the sun on their side
a seat someone just left
the spot of the floor my dog was using
under the covers, plus a few minutes

Double Talk

I think that I usually have double meanings with the things I ask or say; it's sort of one aspect of my vagueness. Maybe by saying certain things I give myself an out, I can claim to have meant something else. I like to be vague and safe that way. On rare occasions, this double meaning is a way to get even, to insult. I'm not even entirely sure when I'm doing this until after it has happened. I don't premeditate my vague meanings.

Moving Wind

So one time in the field we were working and I heard a sound. It was a sort of hollow sound coming toward us and I saw the sound as a ball of wind moving across the field, which is saying something since all the grass was less than an inch high and crisp. So this ball of wind/sound moved and stopped with one of us at its center, then moved on across the field.

Later tonight, Chris and I met up with Tyler, who would have been the field leader if the grass and fire crew had stayed together this season. He had a few beers at a Mexican restaurant with bad service and some gin before walking to the movie theatre. Chris and I got beer at the grocery store to have during the movie. We watched Cowboys and Aliens and poked fun and Chris knocked over all his bottles. It was just a lot of fun.

Shit Show

Today was terrible. Since the new intern joined up with us yesterday I took that to be a good sign since he seemed to be good company. However, I didn't realize that having a third worker meant that things would change and she wouldn't keep out personal matters since she didn't really need me anymore.

We started off the day and were looking for the transect and our run with Fort Union has been pretty bad because so many rebar haven't been found and it was believed to be a mistake in the parameters of the GPS unit. So, of course, we couldn't find the first rebar and after a few minutes I commented that if we didn't find it we should call Tomye and ask what to do. So we went on looking and Chris and I started joking with each other about how the bars were never there, while we were looking. One of the jokes was "The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Missing Rebar" and I sent that to Tomye who thought it was funny.

Apparently, Tomye sent a message to Jill saying how much time to spend looking for rebar. At the time I was taking a little break near where the first rebar was supposed to be. Suddenly I hear this yelling and cursing; Jill was yelling at me to start looking again. So I started going again and Chris, who worked with her last year, said she had yelled at him a couple times last year and blamed it later on her diabetes or "girl thing." She's always making excuses and not just taking responsibility for things.

Eventually she came back to the original point after doing her 100+ meter radius (our transects are only 50 meters). She told Chris to start working and me to come with her to the car. That's when my stomach started hurting. She took the spare car key from me and basically put me in time-out by the car for that transect. The whole situation felt like a mom towards her son who had done something wrong. I told her I had only sent a joke and that I was only taking a break when she yelled. She told me to think about what I'd done and went to work, leaving me by the car without water.

The rest of the day I had a stomach ache and my hands would shake when I was around her. I knew that it was because of fear. I've been afraid of her most of the summer because of how unpredictable, and therefore dangerous, she is with her personality tweaks. I've never felt this afraid, though. Chris was a good guy and he couldn't believe all he'd seen.

I knew I couldn't trust her. She's overreacted before. This was just a terrible, depressing day and there's still a lot more to go. If she tries to put me in time-out again I'll call Tomye because I'm not fifteen and I'm here to work and I do good work and never let personal feelings interfere.

Runaway

Currently listening to:
So This Is Goodbye
William Fitzsimmons

I saw a jack rabbit today in the field. It was sized like a small dog and moved like a deer, several trots then a leap. It leapt away from me and a new intern that joined us (I like to think it was because the other intern was there) and stopped and looked back at us with those tall ears rising high above the grass. I imagined my spirit projecting out of me to run and play with that rabbit.

This Isn't Happiness

Why do I keep getting a fucking king sized bed when it's just me? Jesus Christ. I just want to go home and smoke and escape myself.

A Song

I saw an interesting music video today where a woman is tied up in a trunk and a guy is driving the car down some lonely country road, looking out the window. Eventually the car is stopped and the man lets the woman out of the trunk, unties her and hands over the rope. She then ties him up and puts him in the trunk. The video begins and ends with the woman tied up on the road with a piece of chalk drawing x's on the ground.

I read an interesting interpretation. It's a sort of love story, one-sided. The x's are what really caught my attention and a connection between the x's and exes was made. An X is two lines which are separate until they meet at one point and then separate. There is a switch: each half of the X seems to be one of the people and each half is a one-hearted situation; the woman feels for the man while he remains ambivalent, until the meeting of the lines when the roles switch and the man falls for her while she becomes distant.

I just like the description of the X. It's a nice idea even though it ends in separation.

Flowers Are People Too

"Pain surrounded us shortly after we met. After a while the pain was mine alone."

----

I don't like it when people pick flowers off plants that only put out one flower or if there are few of the plant actually flowering. The reason I don't collect flowers is because there is nothing anyone can do to a flower after it has been picked to make it as beautiful as it was the moment it was noticed in the wild. I've tried; it doesn't work. The only flowers I get are the ones that have already fallen and I never keep them. I once had a bouquet of cut flowers and when they all died I took them outside and buried them. That's how it should be.
In the field today, there was one indian paintbrush blooming in the area and Jill picked the flower. I was so angry with her that I didn't talk or make eye contact the rest of the day out there. It really is one thing to love nature and another thing to love it to its detriment. One of many habits I don't like about that woman.

Quote

I am an expert at speaking while barely saying a word; I’ve been speaking without saying a word all my life, and have endured whole inner tragedies without saying a word.

Dostoevsky

Power Outage

Some construction is going on nearby which likely caused a blackout at the Hampton. Almost immediately the phones of the front desk began to ring. Take one thing away from people and they turn into children, asking if we're there yet and not knowing how to preoccupy themselves.
"What's going on? A power out?"
"It's my electric personality," jokes one worker.
"I guess it's time for a break," interjects another worker.
A lady comes close to running into the front door head on. She says she doesn't know what to do. Everything is run on electricity here: the doors, the AC, the lights and refrigerators. Our society is run on electricity and people have forgotten even how to deal with a door that will not open. Even a luxury hotel becomes as hot and dark as a low end motel.
Another call comes in, from the elevator. A worker is stuck inside and yet, out of everyone, she is capable of getting out - pulling the doors apart. The other lady still doesn't know how to leave the hotel.
"It's my electric personality," repeats the worker. She will say this many more times, though no one has laughed since the first recitation.

Laying in Bed Under the Light of My Cell Phone

Last night I had a thought, that I go to sleep when it gets dark only to wake up again when it gets light. That light gives way to dark and then light again, back and forth. I feel like I'm getting tired of the pattern maybe because what I do during the day is so repetitive. I kind of wished that I could do one or the other instead of switching back and forth so rapidly. You know, sleep for an extended period of time then be awake for a similar amount of time. Embrace night or day only. I really wished I would keep sleeping last night. I think the song "Feel It All Around" by Washed Out captures this feeling.

Another strange thing that happened was a commercial that came on before I went to bed. Some aspect of it made me feel sad with longing. It was a realty commercial with a lady standing with tons of signs stuck into this perfect grassy hill. I think it was how perfect the hill looked that got to me, sort of like some of the landscape scenes from David Byrne's movie True Stories. It's like a road trip where you end up on this road with nothing but smooth grass around; and suddenly there are these houses, like a neighborhood of three houses sprouted along the highway. They appear, are passed, and fade in the distance so quickly almost like they are on an island in the middle of no where. I wonder if this description catches the beautiful feeling I'm trying to get across. I wonder if it will rekindle the feeling in me in the future.

I sent out a card to Dandelion, Jeska and my sister. I think it will arrive Friday, you guys.

The Eye

You can take a picture of what you see, but not what you mean.

Timelessness

Currently listening to:
Soft Music Under Stars
Fila Brazillia

I am finally stuck in the present, though not stuck in a bad way. It could be due to exhaustion and lack of days off but my focus isn't going into the past much and the far future is left alone. What caught my attention is how I have been told that each new location we go to is not as bad as the last, or at least not as difficult as the first Oklahoma site. I noticed that I can't remember how difficult the previous sites were or exactly why Chickasaw was the hardest. Each new place we go seems to be the most difficult, maybe in its own way. When I'm done with work each day, I return to the hotel room and just lay in bed watching the food channel, but of course I can't sleep and get rest. This is the way my days are and there's a timeless feel about them. So I guess all this amounts to living in the present.

Once we arrive at the next place in Colorado there will be more to do. We will be taking three days off once the site is done but before we go to New Mexico. I think we're visiting some caves and cliff dwellings and maybe the Great Sand Dunes. It will be fun to go back there.

I really like the movie Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. I've seen it on TV many times and it always makes me smile, but I never knew the title of the movie until tonight.

Photographing Prices

While driving, the first concern is gas. I've been in a few situations where my tank ran dangerously low because I kept passing stations with ridiculous prices. For instance, the other day I passed a station selling gas for 3.90/gallon when the area is anywhere between 3.35-3.50/gallon. And in those times every station sticks out as a possible stopping point.

It's important to note that, at high speeds, out of business gas stations look very much like an in business station having a slow day. And then the sign is seen, "unleaded - 1.65," and the heart beats faster at the prospect of finding the cheapest gas in the nation that everyone else somehow did not see. But it's closed. I find it fascinating that more isn't done to make these stations look more unavailable and then I had the idea of making a visual timeline.

Imagine someone traveling the nation photographing old abandoned gas stations, and then arranging the photographs in the order of the dates of their closings. We would then be able to see the fluctuations of that market. Each station is a little time capsule. I know there's probably some paper listing gas prices over time, but this seemed like a more creative way to show it.

Soon To Leave Oklahoma

Currently listening to:
I Wish That You Didn't Feel Like My Home
Matt the Electrician

I haven't had much internet access lately; currently, at this small motel in Oklahoma I can't get onto their internet because my computer is picky about what password protected networks it will let me connect with. It's a pain and I can't wait to get a new computer in a few years, when they are even smarter, or whatever. So once in a while I can get a connection with some unprotected network, which isn't great to do so I keep it to a minimum.

Some things I've seen on the road are a skunk, two horses side by side, donkies and layered clouds. I don't think I've ever seen a skunk in the wild and I made sure I didn't hit it lest the area smell like some of the best pot Kansas has ever smelled. The two horses that were exactly next to each other, facing the highway, caught my attention because they were almost like two people you would see in a coffee shop. I wondered what they were thinking and talking about as they watched the far-in between cars pass. It's interesting to see animals positioned like that or facing opposite directions right next to each other; I wonder what it's all about. I have to say I don't like Oklahoma's weather at all, nor their rules or higher prices; however, the state does have pretty awesome skies. The clouds I saw yesterday were layered as if I could be on one and step down like a staircase. The clouds are kind of like a flip book, where each page I turn adds more clouds at a different elevation and distance. It's a pretty awesome sight; I've taken several sky pictures since beginning my job, maybe not as much as I should have.

When we were leaving getting into Oklahoma again, I had an encounter with a sheriff. We were told that cops sometimes pulled government vehicles over because of the odd license plates and lack of an insurance windshield sticker. So this sheriff followed us a bit, then got into my blind spot and stayed there, I assume he was checking out the plate number. After ten minutes since seeing him, he pulled along side and waved, then drove off. I like to think people notice the government license plate and change their behavior accordingly, as if I could really do something about their speeding. I don't think most notice anyway.

It's pretty lonely out here without someone my age to talk with. I did have a good conversation with a guy that works at Washita. He had an aneurism and stroke at a young age and went into a coma, but can't remember any dreams or anything. We talked about rain harvesting and gardens and artificial body parts and why engineers didn't try to recreate the whole instead of just parts. We talked about some literature written by people who have experiences bodily malfunction and were able to write about it as it happened. I later heard from my boss that he was impressed with me. It takes a conversation to bring forth all the little bits of information collected in the back of your mind.

So now I'm quite tipsy. Across the street from the motel is a "liquor store" and, being Oklahoma, it was expensive. I still bought a small flask of three year old whiskey called Canadian Hunter. I don't really like whiskey but wanted to try this and it's smoother than some other cheap whiskey I've tried. Today is just one of those days I don't want to be around Jill or anyone and just want to relax and make a microwave dinner. Andrew suggested a game where I have to say what I'm hunting every time I take a shot: like "I'm hunting WOLVES" or the like.

Lost At Sea

Currently listening to:
Tonight I Have To Leave It
Shout Out Louds

I am an oasis. There is something about me that attracts certain people, and sometimes their friends. Many times, however, their friends do not understand or mesh with me. At that point, the relationship is given to certain limitations and I feel my access to their life is diminished while I, free-floating, remain open and welcome. And then I am an oasis.

If I Had An Orchard I'd Work 'Til I'm Sore

Skin pulled taut over the frame of a hand
baked, punctured, bumpy from irritation
silver ring turned black from hours of sweat.
The sun overhead boiling a pot of atmosphere
droplets of humidity excited by the heat
singe skin on contact.
Temporary home
with the cushioned bench by the window
facing a cemetery.

Tomorrow I head out for Kansas. It should be an easier park since there are only eight transects to do and they supposedly mowed and burned much of the area. We're staying in the housing at Fort Larned since they have the facilities and we're working for the government. However, it's likely the case that there won't be any internet to connect with; that and the rooming quarters are shared, so there is reason to hurry along. The first full day there is a day off, finally, but I've been told there isn't much to do there. I like sitting outside, looking at every little thing and nothing at the same time, anyway.
I need to write and send more postcards but it's hard to find the energy and I feel like I'm not deep enough into this living on the road to have anything particular to say about it.

First Week

It kind of feels like the first month is over already yet I've only been on the job three days, after training. Right now I'm in Oklahoma at Chickasaw. They tell me this is the worst park due to the heat and humidity and the way all the transects are - in dense vegetation. Originally we were supposed to leave for Kansas on Friday, but now it looks like I'll be there Saturday. I decided to take pictures of all the places I'm staying. I've been cut, rashed, stung, and stabbed by the environment out here. My hands looked very damaged by the end of today from chiggers and sweat; it's hard work.

I'm really tired and tomorrow we're going to try to do three transects, hopefully. Jill plans ahead with me on what we will do, then over thinks it and changes it based on what she wants to do. She micromanages herself. We are getting faster at completing transects but today we left at six and didn't start working until nine because the sites were hard to find and she wanted to go back and forth on the same paths. I think a true field leader needs to be even-minded, fit enough to handle a full day of work, not constantly make excuses and take responsibility.

I need to stop ranting all the time.

LBJ Grassland

Today we finished training at the LBJ grasslands, culminating in the completion of two transects. I learned a lot more plants and have done every part of the surveying we will be doing. Jill was a little snappy and tried to make an argument about an efficient way of doing something when we're almost done with a transect - tying up pvc pipes while the other is still working with theirs rather than keeping the rope packed until all pipes are together - and I called her out on it. The boss said she just didn't get as much sleep and was tired, but Jill also tried to excuse any future time she gets upset or angry as her being a woman who has a period. While that may be part of it, I think that's bullshit and there's no reason to let negative emotions affect the work we have to do. I've been here as long as she has and she's gotten flustered at least once a day while I haven't felt any negative emotions since I arrived.
She's also diabetic but ate a whole quart of iced cream in one night, drinks diet soda everyday, eats so much shit (junk food isn't food, but she also eats as much as I did when I was a teenager), and moans constantly as if she can't handle mornings. Suffice to say, I knew from the first day we worked together we would butt heads. The rest of the stuff is me and I admit it; she's just too much of an exaggerated mom for me.

In other news, they made an artificial heart using a rotor-motor which keeps blood moving continuously. It has not clogged or broke in any test subjects and so is considered to be better than any of the pulsing artificial hearts. This means that in anyone that gets the new heart, there is no heartbeat or pulse because blood is continuously pushed through. While this is slightly strange, what is also curious is what happens when someone using the heart is frightened or stressed. I don't know exactly what happens but it's the first thing I thought about when I read the article. I guess the blood would flow faster since normally a heart would beat faster.