Spring Break and Spring Break

I went home for the first half of spring break, which meant a plane ride. In exchange for shaving ten hours off my journey I was frisked, scanned, herded, luggage searched, and packed into a metal tube. They also stole my toothpaste that had EXPLOSIVE plaque-fighting capabilities. Then I was on a plane next to a business major looking kid and his mom. I had my scientific papers to read through, but the mom mentioned how her son and I hadn't spoken once we were almost to Dallas. Her son must tell her he's the star of the school, which is why I would know him out of 45,000 meat drones high-fiving and talking about how laid they were last weekend. He said he's a business major because he didn't know what else to do; I said I knew.
And then I got home and prepared for the family trip that was planned months in advance though the family forgot to tell me. It was sort of our last family vacation (like the RV trips), and after sharing a bed with a family member throughout it, I understood why; us kids are getting too big. It was an enjoyable trip to Waco to see a community of amish-like people, and an expensive trip at that. I also got to see Merle and Rosie, and Dandelion briefly to give her the Smashing Pumpkins mix.
After getting back to Fort Collins, I got some busy work done and picked up Jeska the next day. Her flight was late because wind blows one direction, then the next (I'm joking). We finished preparing some lamb to be cooked on the mountain, and the next day we were there! She did surprisingly well for arriving in a much higher elevation at night and the next morning walking around a couple thousand feet higher than that.
We got firewood together and set up our sleeping area in the car, complete with books and battery candles. Once it started getting darker Jeska started the fire and we made mashed potatoes, lamb, and vegetable chili. Unfortunately, the chili was way spicier than it should have been, due to my fault. We slept and woke with the sun.
The next morning we ate chicken sausage and acid. It gave me a stomach ache, which I think was an amplification of the negative feedback my body had for the sausage. In any case, it wasn't visionary and it felt strongly within my body like I was on the verge of a great journey but couldn't cross the threshold. I assume this was because the acid happened to be in sugar cubes and wasn't able to be held in the mouth very long. After a few hours of this feeling, and the sound of gunshots from all our new neighbors at the campsite, we decided to push out. The shadows were interesting as well as the landscape. I felt very tranquil about the drive, but wished it was on a straight highway with no other cars on it.
A lot of cooking was done: Jeska made hushpuppies for the first time, we made broccoli pesto, fried chicken, quiche, breakfasts. She's a fast learner in the kitchen. I took her to Beau Jo's pizza, which was an adventure in itself, and she took me to get gelato. I was able to see a lot of old town by walking around with her; it's much bigger than I thought. We also took a tour of New Belgium. Over the course of a little over an hour, we consumed five free beers: two in the intro (Abbey, their first beer, and a wheat beer I didn't catch the name of), Caocao Mole in the employee lounge (which was an unexpected find for me, almost like a fiery cinnamon hot chocolate), a Fat Tire an hour off the production line, and La Jolie (a three-year-old sour fruity beer they make for fun). New Belgium turned out to be a pretty energy efficient operation and people seemed happy working there.
Jeska and I had Andrew over for a dinner party, just the three of us. We had the quiche with salad, Andrew's fruit salad, and pesto pasta, and a five cheese or so cheese plate. Andrew broke out the Spice and it was good. Jeska said it made her feel like being high for the first time, which could be good or bad. A week later, Andrew had us over for a dinner picnic with some of his friends and his grandpa. He must have had ten pounds of ground beef with hot dogs and with lamb, not to mention the potato and fruit salads. I tried to make a red wine reduction for the lamb and it smelled like wild berries, but I put in too much sugar and it caramelized onto the nonstick. The second go-around it was kept more watery and the lamb was further cooked in it rather than have the reduction as a jelly-like glaze. Still, it was all good and we went on a walk behind his grandpa's house, which leads to a jogging trail.
The ten days having Jeska here seemed so long and so short. I think it confirmed many doubts we may have had and brought us much closer. I really can't wait to live with her in August at a slower pace of life.

Overdue Letters

Currently listening to:
Like Rock and Roll Radio
Ray Lamontagne

I know it's really about time I write you, Dandelion.

Pregnant Winter

It's a weird feeling to hear a friend is pregnant or is planning on having a child. It happens so infrequently thanks to the small number of friends I keep that I'm unable to get used to it. The shock is that it's someone I am familiar and close to, but also someone in my age group. I suppose my mind lives in a previous set where we are all still innocent children trying to act grown up, and there are those actually doing it: having kids and graduating college. I'm not sure if I still feel like I'm being left behind or if I'm envious of others moving forward or if I'm sad they aren't staying with me. I guess we all grow up. Still, it makes me feel very fragile to see big leaps happening and the happiness over the progression. I wonder when I'll grow up the same way, or if my feet will run forward while my upper body turns to claw backwards. These feelings are almost exactly like the way I feel when I hear The Smashing Pumpkins.

Leaving Feeling

When I first moved back for this school year, I felt very helpless. I was leaving everything I just got used to being home, including Dandelion whom I'd gotten close to, for a new school where I knew no one. The drive was sad and it took forever or fifteen hours, whichever came first, and I arrived exhausted and hungry. On top of that, I saw my room which was much smaller than it appeared on the website; the full-size bed took up half the room. I was tired, hungry, and things weren't what I expected, so I felt lost and lonely. This feeling came back again last night when I got in an hour later than I was supposed to due to an accident. I drove the whole day on little sleep and had just eaten snack type foods the whole day. I got to my apartment tired and hungry and faced with a notice on the door welcoming a new roommate. No one was inside, however, not even belongings. Then my internet wouldn't activate because I hadn't downloaded the extra driver to allow ethernet cables, as I later found out. So I felt all those same emotions which were amplified by being cut off from the rest of the world.
I remembered I felt better after sleeping and settling my static. So I made some pasta for dinner and went to sleep. Jeska had given me the number of the help desk, thankfully, so I fixed my computer this morning. Now everything seems and feels alright. The roommate still isn't here.
Jeska is going to be doing the same thing, though she'll be living with people she knows. Still, it's very impressive that she's willing to move to a whole other state where she knows no one and has nothing set in stone so far. I wonder if she will feel the sort of things I feel when I get used to something and it all changes. I know I'll be supportive and patient and like I said, it's very impressive and I give her lots of credit for it. I'm not sure I'd be able to do the same thing in her shoes.

Minimix and Doctor's Office

Today I went to the doctor's to get my first HPV vaccine of the sequence. I was kind of nervous since I still hate shots and tried to think of a way to get it and be fine with it. The needle turned out to be a small one and it was prepared out of eye-sight, which I thought would help; however, while the needle penetration wasn't terrible I felt the vaccine being pushed under my skin and spreading outward into my body. I'm a skinny guy, there isn't a lot of meat, and I think that's why it's harder with me. So it seemed like I was fine afterward; I got a spiderman band-aid. Once the old chatty doctor and my mom and I stood up to talk more in the doorway I began to feel the creeping sensation of nausea. I heard what was being said but a while later I heard every other word then no words. I saw my mom and the doctor become more like 3D outlines colored in by TV static colored like a rainbow. Then the background got blurry. I kept trying to formulate the thought "sorry, I need to sit down" and say it, but I was afraid I might throw up and I didn't want to interrupt (irrational fainting thoughts). But I was noticed and they got me sitting down. This experience was much more different than the previous time I got a shot standing up and just blacked out pretty much. It's the first time I've been able to examine a fainting spell in slow-motion. It felt like a second but my mom said it was more like five minutes. It was just a shot, yet it seemed like a got some short drug trip.

Then I got to see Dandelion, probably the last time before she gets married and buys a white picket fence; maybe just the married part. I might see her during Spring break, though. Anyway, I gave her a minimix of a larger parent mix themed "last human on Earth." I kind of liked the way it came together in such a short list of songs:

01 Air - One Hell of a Party
02 Horse Feathers - The Drought
03 Alexi Murdoch - Breathe
04 Röyksopp - Senior Living
05 He's My Brother She's My Sister - The House That Isn´t Mine
06 Loudon Wainwright III - Missing You
07 S - Wait
08 Belle and Sebastian - Fuck This Shit
09 Tim Buckley - Once I Was
10 Salim Nourallah - Endless Dream Days
11 brian eno & robert fripp - meissa
12 josh ritter - see how man was made

It's a tale of a harsh Earth and loneliness with a glimmer of wishful hope. Dandelion said Adian cried because of the sixth song. I don't know if it was in context of the mix or just the song alone; I like to think I setup that climax of emotion in the scheme of my storytelling.
Tomorrow morning I head out for Colorado, probably around 6am. I always put off packing until the very last minute and leaving home again makes me feel depressed, and I haven't felt sad in a long while. It's hard getting attached to some place with certain people. But I'll sleep a couple times and forget the feeling. It's an improper and immature way to live in the present, but it comes naturally to me.

Dandelions in Winter?

I message Dandelion and she doesn't message back, but she reads the blog. Why don't you message back?

New Mix

http://8tracks.com/walking_daydream/i-ll-miss-you

01 Album Leaf - Airplane
02 Yo La Tengo - Our way to fall
03 Caribou - After Hours
04 Cary Brothers - Blue Eyes
05 Charlotte Gainsbourg - Dandelion
06 Coconut Records - The Summer
07 Ray Lamontagne - For the Summer
08 Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
09 Iron & Wine - Love And Some Verses
10 Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues
11 Coldplay- Talk
12 Death Cab For Cutie - Brothers On A Hotel Bed
13 Counting Crows - A Long December
14 Foo Fighters - Next Year
15 Pheonix - Long Distance Call
16 Robert Francis - Where You Came from
17 Kings of Convenience - Until You Understand
18 Helio Sequence - Shed Your Love

Prologue

I feel like I can only happily enjoy the Prologue when I drink.










Yet another famous one line post.

Laying in Bed Under the Light of My Cell Phone

Last night I had a thought, that I go to sleep when it gets dark only to wake up again when it gets light. That light gives way to dark and then light again, back and forth. I feel like I'm getting tired of the pattern maybe because what I do during the day is so repetitive. I kind of wished that I could do one or the other instead of switching back and forth so rapidly. You know, sleep for an extended period of time then be awake for a similar amount of time. Embrace night or day only. I really wished I would keep sleeping last night. I think the song "Feel It All Around" by Washed Out captures this feeling.

Another strange thing that happened was a commercial that came on before I went to bed. Some aspect of it made me feel sad with longing. It was a realty commercial with a lady standing with tons of signs stuck into this perfect grassy hill. I think it was how perfect the hill looked that got to me, sort of like some of the landscape scenes from David Byrne's movie True Stories. It's like a road trip where you end up on this road with nothing but smooth grass around; and suddenly there are these houses, like a neighborhood of three houses sprouted along the highway. They appear, are passed, and fade in the distance so quickly almost like they are on an island in the middle of no where. I wonder if this description catches the beautiful feeling I'm trying to get across. I wonder if it will rekindle the feeling in me in the future.

I sent out a card to Dandelion, Jeska and my sister. I think it will arrive Friday, you guys.

A Past Project

I tried to look for the legal pad I started writing on for the project I started when I met Dandelion. I can't find it, it's not with the loose leaf material I packed. I remember bringing it back to work on during Winter break, but that's it. Even that could be a fake memory - I don't know. This kind of freaks me out because it's a token of the time and I feel like it had a lot of good material in it, a sort of plot line to follow. I guess I'll have to reread what I've already written and go from there on a fresh start...

Just a Kid

It's been a while since I've last posted and much has happened, as always, but most of it slipped my mind. To sum up, there was a camping trip with some of the guys and it was very cold. Andrew decided it was better to make a fire rather than put a sweater on, so we were tied down to the camp spot and suddenly used up the wood we had collected before the sun had even set. I'm don't think certain people would survive in a primitive situation, especially when they walk around a grocery store hung over and leave empty-handed despite having no food for the trip.
Anyway, I was able to snag another hit of acid before the trip, so I took two hits. It was kind of like bloomers except without the emotional ending and the desire to go back; it was on and then off, sort of like how salvia is described. Certainly it was more productive, bloomers tend to incapacitate in the way that you can't write down most of what you think because they're emotions at the core, I suppose. At night we smoked and drank, but I just couldn't get drunk for some reason, no matter how much I took. It was a pretty fun farewell event before finals.
Finals were pretty terrible; I only felt positive about a couple of them and the rest have turned out average as I expected. I just want to graduate.
Then I did the fifteen hour drive home. I didn't think about a whole lot this time so it was kind of lame. There were a couple one-lane highway situations where the other lane was being repaired. I chatted with a couple workers and posed the question of what they would do if they received no calls and no next shift came to relieve them. Despite being in the middle of nowhere, they didn't seem too worried. I might make a play about that or something, sort of a Waiting for Godot sort of thing.
Last night some of my old friends came over and brought everclear and some fruit punch from a Mexican grocery store. We passed that wine around and then a bong and we were all messed up and jovial. I haven't been that messed up since I started CSU; it felt good to let loose and laugh for no reason. Rebekah told me she stopped doing drugs to learn things, about herself of the world, and now just does them to feel something different and get messed up. Well, she didn't use those exact words so some of that may not be true. But I thought about what she said and realized that while I still feel I have things to learn, recently it has been more about feeling messed up and I want to feel it more, but not in a totally self-destructive way. I've been thinking about this idea of doing a certain order or amount or frequency of things to initiate some sort of reality shift.
Today I went to see Dandelion. She was helping Josh with his hair and we played Jenga and watched the Office. I haven't played a game like that in a while. Adian came home from work and he seemed about the same, though I didn't really know what to say to him, or really anyone, today. It was his birthday recently, or maybe today so Kasey was going to make some birthday dinner and do laundry, so Josh and I got kicked out. She seemed pretty eager to do laundry.

Kellye

Kellye said she was going to break up with her boyfriend when she goes back to school. It feels strange knowing that something is going to happen before it does, like seeing a movie based on a book you've read. This doesn't really involve me, though, so I don't feel too affected by it. Still, it's a strange feeling.

We had another long hang out, the first one since we did mushrooms together, which was the first hang out of the season. The trip was good and she felt she learned a lot, about herself and time, of course. It was much more mind oriented than I have experienced, and I attribute that to her. That's how it was in brief.
This final goodbye took us to Braum's for iced cream, but I didn't eat much of mine because I took a Focalin because I thought she'd be on Adderall. She hadn't brought any home so she was off it while I was on. Not what I expected, but it was also interesting in a humorous way. I started talking to a guy in line who had a cousin working there and we all started talking about things that probably made them think I was on something. We sat and talked for hours.
We got lost trying to drive back to my house so she could see the dogs and I could grab my coat. I was so focused that I forgot I had a GPS.
After that we went to Brookhaven and wandered around. The whole place looked so different than it does during the daytime. Kellye said it seemed more magical because it was night or because I was there, and it seemed so, I could vividly recall being back on that Tuesday when we jumped out of time's track. We drank some and made our way to the car and sat in the backseat and talked more while the radio played. Then we cuddled and she said I was of a different breed of skinny boys because I wasn't uncomfortable to lay on, but perhaps everyone cuddles differently and our bodies remember the way other people cuddle so it works. So we cuddled and that was enough.

Dandelion focuses on and lives in the now and I wanted to apply that in my own life, and I think I'm slowly exploring it. It kind of takes the sting out of life.

The Sound of the Moon

When I talk to people, they are real. They seem to have lives going on, are three-dimensional beings. When we stop talking, they are still real. But at the same time, they are so many paper dolls scattered on the floor. Doesn't make much sense, does it? A paper doll seen up close is obviously a doll, but from far away they seem like they could be living, breathing. After examining someone they turn to paper dolls somehow. Some are more real, though.

I found a postcard of Dallas, downtown, all aglow. For some reason I couldn't put it back in my drawer. Is this where I belong? Is this my home? It made me reminisce, stirred things up in me. I think I'll take it back to Colorado.

Merle comes in when certain songs are playing on the radio. I think she realizes certain beats make me move a certain way, and pet a certain way. I think she likes it when I pat out beats on her.
*****
Yesterday I was sitting in a tree waiting for Dandelion and this cat came over to me. She laid in my lap and I pet her. Then these bible women came over and I told them what they wanted to hear, and the cat made its way down to them and followed them back to their car. After they drove off, I couldn't see the cat and figured they had taken her away (she had a collar but no tags). So I climbed down for a bit and soon she was following me. We went back in the tree. Dandelion drove up as I was going down to get my camera, and when we came back out, the cat had followed us to my yard. She did a funny run-dance to come back over to us.
She's no Smokey Mountain, more like Hobbes. Dandelion called her Samsonite - what an odd name. So we played around the tree, then the three of us went walking around the alley. Samsonite always lagged a little behind but examined things after we had left. When we were crossing the street to the dandelion field, Samsonite was still in the alley meowing after us. So we went back to her but she sped off last minute, then followed us back to the street.

Tonight Dandelion and I took another go at wine making, this time with Strawberries. At the grocery I brought my change so I could trade all my metal for a few pieces of paper. She pushed all the coins through and I can only imagine how her hands smelled, since I'm sick. I don't like being the friend that's sick, I feel like it dampens the mood having to run for a tissue all the time. So we made the wine in a gallon jug since the Mr. Beer container was taken back by her ex. I hope the yeast is still operable, or enough. I also met her new boyfriend. I don't know.

Trust

There was some discussion of fellatio today, I guess because it's the thing to do these days. I thought about the topic afterward and confirmed that each time I imagine the act of a blowjob I can't help but acknowledge being at the female's mercy. There is a definite vulnerability in having a part of oneself within one of the more powerful moving parts of the human body. So, on that note, I have come to the conclusion that any time I allow myself to be in that situation, I would have complete trust in my companion; much like a dog allowing someone to nuzzle their head against its neck, or lifting its front legs from behind so that it stands up on two legs.

On a separate note, I had one of those in-between dreams when you're just beginning to fall asleep. Essentially, my roommate and I are in disagreement (much like in reality) and he presents me with two buttons: one, he says, will erase him from existence and the other would bring him back. The logistics are that if he ceases to exist, either his belongings would also vanish and a scenario in which my roommate had never showed up would play out, OR his belongings would remain and a scenario in which another roommate with a similar taste in belongings had always been there.
In any case, I pressed the button, playing along, and he vanished. I figured I'd press the other button, and he came back and went on about how a certain responsibility comes with such a device. Then he picked up the button that returned him and I pressed the other button, erasing his existence and that of the other button. The rest of the dream is a consideration of going through life erasing people that were bad or that were about to cause me harm, perhaps even some I thought were in my way.
The idea of the button is strange. I think the saying goes something like "if I had a button that would remove you from existence, I'd press it" or "be careful what you wish for." It's an interesting concept to think about, the ways it would alter reality and shuffle time (maybe?). Perhaps people are dangerous in mentality than physicality. Naturally, someone stronger or faster poses some danger, but a certain mentality is needed to actually make the person dangerous. I think it's the willingness to press the button. I would venture to guess that someone buff is just as dangerous as a child that speaks of a particular button.

I don't particularly like this school, nor many of the people here. I don't mean I have negative feelings towards them, just that they are the sort I can see myself losing contact with if we're separated. It leaves me sad, almost as much as my inability to find a fitting counterpart here. I guess it's just one of those lonely hollow-feeling days. I can't wait for the long drive home and seeing Dandelion again.

Dandelion Wine

Currently listening to:
Welcome Home, Son
Radical Face

You're still on my mind, every day.

Car Ride (flash fiction)

"I never mentioned this to anyone, but you came up the night he and I fought," She said. "He said he knew that we were still talking. I admitted we were-"
"How could he know?" I interrupted. "He could have been testing you."
"It really doesn't matter," She shot back, "I wouldn't want to lie anyway."
"Right."
A pause.
"So I admitted that we were still talking, but that there was nothing more between us."

I lowered my head at that. She undid us with a sentence; quickly taking the air from me and quieting the foreign pop song in the background. The way She speaks has the impact of effectively silencing opposition, as if Her final words leave no room for other alternatives. I generally accept Her words.

My head lowers because of the past She denies, though for good reason. For my innocence and lack of understanding in the situation. For my selfishness which is a constant obstacle keeping me from truly grasping and helping Her; though I don't even know if She needs or wants my help. She is strong on Her own, or wears the guise well.

I raise my head once more and glance at Her. She hasn't noticed. We move past lightly lit business strips and pitch shadows slide over and hide Her face.

School Starts Tomorrow

The events this weekend have been interesting. I saw fire breathers/dancers, played laser tag, participated in human fuseball, general floor activities, and other things I can't remember because they went by so fast.

More people I've met: vegan Robyn who is a laid back girl, though not so much a hippie; cynical Dan; Celtic Liah; Jake; Jake from another hall who likes photography; Hannah who wears her heart on her sleeve; quiet Shea; sheltered Adam; bro John; Jayme; stand-offish Andrew; self-conscious Justin.

Justin is the first roommate I think I've been able to deal with. He still has the little quirks that are kind of odd and a little annoying, but I'm dealing with them surprisingly well, as he is with me. Perhaps I'm just thick-skinned to living in the same room with someone now.

School spirit and the anthems. The first day, they packed us in an auditorium decked out in the school colors and band and cheerleaders. And anthems were sung, some of which were essentially repeating "CSU is great" over and over. I understand the obsession with school loyalty about as much as I understand country loyalty. Sure there are distinct aspects which separate one school from another and one country from another, but I've never felt such loyalty as to fight for one particular place or institution over another. It kind of felt like a brainwashing of the freshman minds or a foundation being set up.
*****
Anyway, tonight I watched some friends try to slackline, which is setting a rope between two trees and trying to tightrope walk across it. While they did that, I climbed a couple trees and whistled at people which was a funny joke for a while. I want to climb to the top of one of the trees some free day.

Today was kind of a blah day; I just didn't feel all that into it. I took a tour of the campus and think I'll be able to find my buildings tomorrow. I bought a lab manual. I ate two meals, at odd times. I laid in grass. I texted Dandelion but she was giving me the short responses I should be able to recognize by now. I think she's still in the undulating stage of her life at the moment. She'll probably be there for a while, too, since she's figuring herself out. I believe that's very good; she needs some introspective time. I just hope she likes what she finds in the end.

I'll post pictures of the short hike we did yesterday, on Facebook.

Short Johns

Today was a sort of "get things for college" day, though I didn't really think I needed anything more than what I brought home from Webster. Mostly we tried to get car stuff and things for transporting bedding easily.

My mom took me to REI for winter wear, as if I need more than the coats and jackets I already have. Maybe I do. I got under gloves which give my hands a double layer. I also got this silk, long-sleeve undershirt deal that's supposed to keep me warm somehow - it's like a piece of paper in thickness.. Also, I got long johns! Talk about strange inventions. It's thin yet it supposed to keep me warm; I don't get it. It's kind of like wearing tights that don't go all the way to the shoes. I asked my mom if I was supposed to look like an elf which them on, but she didn't answer, she just laughed. Strangely enough, they come with a slot in the front for peeing, so I wonder if they make another type specifically for women. If I were a lady I wouldn't want to have to buy long johns with a vent for cold air to enter, if I didn't need said vent!

I really must finish packing. I leave in a little over a day. Crazy. I might get to hang out with dandelion one last time if she's feeling up to it.

Read Me Until I'm Read

Today I ran along to Dandelion's workplace for lunch. It was a pretty long and confusing drive out where there are a lot of fields and, of course, she out-directed the GPS. I snagged her and we ran off to a food conglomeration whence we found Taco Cabana. They DID NOT have fish tacos, but I'm glad I got to avoid eating meat today. She got some chip and dip deal and I got a burrito and a taco, which ended up being like the burrito except harder to eat and with everything flying out of it.

After leaving, we went to this nearby nature preserve of which I can't remember the name. I brought my magic briefcase of games and we chessed like there's no tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow. I kept overlooking all these obvious moves and she lowered her game to be on my level because that's how she is: self-sacrificing. I really do prefer to be beaten; then I know everyone was doing their best.

And she fixed up my turkey feather! I can't remember the term she actually said - something like "pimp your feather." I don't know. So now we both have feathers hanging from the windshield mirror, soaring on currents of A/C air. I now see why turkeys do not fly.
So we hanged out at her workplace which was abandoned. I do not know how she coordinates three businesses worth of employees and orders. She really underplays what she does.

I gave her the new Andrew Bird CD and a permanent wish (an oak gall of which I peeled the outer layer off). I don't think it turned out as permanent as I'd hoped, but better than I'd expected.

Then I went to class and found out the fourth test and final are on due tomorrow, so that's what I'm doing before Perryl gets in. Hopefully tomorrow night he and I and Jonathan will get together and see some weird bar. Hopefully before I leave I will see dandelion again.

Less than a week left...

P.S. Dandelion, they cut down that tree by the entrance of Brookhaven where I fell in the bed of wild carrot. The limbs are everywhere. If only wood could bleed.

She Wrote the Prologue to the Rest of My Life

Currently listening to:
Fillmore Jive
Pavement

So ends another chapter in my life; or maybe the chapter is still going. I no longer know because I'm still living in it. What I do know is a transition has happened, a conclusion has been reached. It's like a well-written book: the end comes gradually and you accept it - there's nothing else you can do. The characters and tales will be missed. It's not a dead-end ending or one that leaves the reader perturbed, it is comfortable and quiet.

What I'm vaguely alluding to is a period of cheating in my life which has ended. I'm no longer as tightly entangled in Dandelion's relationship - not "the other guy" anymore. I understand her wanting to see what more can happen with her relationship, that's her story. I'll continue writing mine; including my book, the story of everyone. I don't know how to capture all these feelings, so I'm just throwing in bits and pieces.

In the end, this is probably the right thing for the time. Being picked up and set back down, the nausea of a roller coaster, is no way to live. These pains temper me, and now I have a release. I hope she holds me as a bird, loose but not so loose that I fly away, so that if she ever turns around I'll be there, somewhat familiar.

To my future self:
I hope you don't need reminding, but remember she's done more for you in one summer than any of the previous relationships. Despite the unforeseen "break-up," you are much stronger than you were, perhaps even more certain of who you are and who you want to be. I hope you stayed in touch with her.

On another note, I remember that gut wrenching feeling of break-ups from the beginning of everything. It seems after a succession of them, the feeling becomes a dull ache instead of the burning-stop-eating-it's -all-over feeling and that is called "becoming stronger." That more children didn't commit suicide in the throes of those first break-ups always surprised me. It's sort of like the survival of the fittest of relationships.

She said she wants to return all the letters I gave her, but keep the artful things. I understand the risk in harboring them and her desire to have me as her best kept secret without physical evidence lying around, but I'm just not sure. If it's this or her burning them, I guess I'll hold onto them until she's ready to take them back. I just may charge interest!

There are two moments of relief I have experienced recently: the first is this release; the second is when I realized there was nothing I could give her that she didn't already have. I have no poetic way to describe the feeling of that weight lifting off of me. I had permission to be me and not try to live up to anything, and maybe that has eased this release. I think that is the attitude that should be sought after in relationships; two people being together, not expecting anything, - that's love.

Part of me misses the shenanigans of the first meetings but maybe those become prime numbers as the relationship deepens. I really will miss the adventures and the ones that won't ever seem to finish, though maybe there will be time for them someday? I'm just glad to have her for a best friend and provide her with a close friend. Perhaps someday we'll walk the same path in step, or at least speak in the old terms in the open.

I could go on and on - that's just the effect she has on me - but I'll stop. I know this sounds very final, but it's actually just a beginning.