Camping

Currently listening to:
In the Morning
Norah Jones

"Now the cities we live in could be distant stars
And I search for you in every passing car."
*****
Another late post. It seems in college I won't be able to focus to record daily events as they happen.

Well, Friday I got the scores back for my biology test (95) and calculus test (80). I need to work a bit more on math, I guess. Carly and I had planned a one-on-one camping trip and it actually happened. We left on Saturday after eating and getting some orange juice and soy milk to go. We decorated my car with feathers and a string of pine cones and loaded an old swivel living room chair along with our blankets and such. Kiersten, our RA, caught us before we left and let us borrow her tent.
Then we went to a thrift store called "Thrift Store" to look for one of those aged iconic sweaters with blocky pictographs of trees or houses on it. There was nothing like that, but Carly found an 80s/90s jacket that looks like something my mom would have worn. I bought a "drug rug" which is the closest thing they had to a Mexican poncho. I really want one of those blanket ponchos with the head slit you slip on. And then we left.
We drove around an hour and a half into the mountains, stopping the while to barefoot the Poudre river and collect wood. After looking down a couple dirt roads, we found a nice spot surrounded by trees and with two fire pits: a large one and a small baby one. The tent ended up next to the small one. Farther down the dirt road since of erosion appeared and large roots seemed to have grown along the surface; the road sort of curved and became more vertical as it did so until it evened out at the next camping spots and eventually the main road. Each camp spot had some wood to take from, and I saw many stumps. During the night I actually heard campers pulling in nearby start chopping at trees. There should probably be a law against that.
So we built a fire and drank kava and cooked dinner and opened some alcohol. I turned on the car so we could listen to Regina and Grizzly Bear and Norah Jones. Once it got dark I felt like I was twirling in space because it was too dark to see the ground and the slope caused missteps which sent me facing the other direction. I gathered a bunch of pine cones and tossed them into the fire and they caught fire on the bottom, a little crystal of light on each platform shelf. Tier by tier the flames move upward until the cone is engulfed and burned until there's nothing more to burn, and each shelf retains a bright glow. The whole thing falls with a touch. It was so dark so quickly that we decided to turn in. The fire was smoldering and we used up one gallon of water so we left it, and it was still smoldering by morning.
She's a little snorer;I didn't get a lot of sleep. I had to unroll my sleeping bag later when it became much colder. In the morning we saw a chipmunk scamper near our site. Carly set up her chair in the woods with the framed owl stitched art and thin floor mat, to photograph. I think the ones with her in them are the best, but she liked the idea of the empty chair. Then we loaded up and went to see the spot where I did my vision quest. I think she was impressed with the view. I still have to write up the short story version of it, but I finished the poem. After that, we headed back. That's all I can think of right now.

Where I Live

On days like this I look from my window and see treetops swaying and clouds moving in a perfect blue sky. The position of my room in the building puts my window in a place where the rest of the building isn't visible. I feel like I'm in some large house on a hill, and my window is open, and the trees sway the breeze through to me. A plane moves through the air - a small white speck - and I wonder where they are going and why I'm not going too.

Dandelion Wine

Currently listening to:
Welcome Home, Son
Radical Face

You're still on my mind, every day.

Just a Quick Update

Friday I took a biology and calculus test. I know I aced the bio test, and I know I passed the calc test.

Walking in the courtyard in front of the library, this spiky fruit dropped right in front of me. It was an unripened Ohio buckeye and the squirrel that had dropped it got another and scampered down and away. So I carried the fruit all the way to the dorm and said to Jen, "look what a squirrel threw at me." For some reason this really cracked her up and it has been repeated throughout the weekend.
Also, before the calculus test, I was studying and a squirrel ran up the tree I was under and started eating the maple seeds, dropping crumbs on me all the while. So silly.

That night, I did an alcohol run for three groups of people and between all the money I was given, I ended up with six dollars myself, after giving back change to a couple people. I didn't even have to drive! Really, though, a tip should be given. On the way back, the car lit up and hotboxed back to the dorm. Then Jen appeared because we had a paint date, and Kalyn came in for a while. We discussed things and decided to do the kava which had come to me in the mail. So I made a large smoothie with whole milk, orange-kiwi-strawberry-banana juice, and the root. I had the most with Jen having almost the same amount; Kalyn took the least and couldn't stomach it so she gave half to my roommate. She seemed to regret it a little, because Jen and I were all peaceful and giggly after a while. We sat in the hallway, after painting, and some people joined including my RA and her boyfriend and the RA on the adjacent hall. They knew we were on stuff and were having a good time with it.
That night I had really vivid dreams about the first day of school, but I can't remember what school it was or any details. My body was relaxed and desensitized. My roommate's alarm went off and he turned it off and went back to sleep, and after that I couldn't really get back into the place I was in. I'm over that kid and am ready to live in a single situation next year.

Also, this weekend the floor did a minor craft period and Kiersten, my RA, showed me how to use hemp to make bracelets. So I made two in two different styles, then wove the extra strings together so that they had a rat-tail of sorts. I didn't paint a door-stop, but we all had tea and it was a lovely time.

A Wind Named Amnesia

The wind is quite strange here. One side of the street may be a current of warm dry air that weathers oneself, while the other side may be a draft of cool wet air. It blows almost all the time to some degree. Unrelenting, the wind hits and caresses away my mind, leaving me blank. It's difficult to be emotional here, to be anything but quiet.

A Little Something

Not sure what more to do with this or where it's going. I'll just post what I have.
*****

A horizontal string of light fades in and intensifies. Morning. I open my eyes and the strings become spheres. I know in falling asleep I lay on my side, but somehow I end up on my back by morning. She wakes on her side, facing me. Was she sleeping? Was I really sleeping? I cannot remember; but she looks back at me with eyes shining with morning dew and I'm reassured. Under bed covers her index finger brushes mine and all come together to interlock and embrace. This is one moment of many between closed eyes: a new time arrived at with each blink. The morning goes on like this, under cotton sheets warmed by two.
A horizontal string of light fades in and intensifies. Morning: half an hour later; waking next to her. The sheets jump sharply and sink like a mountain in quicksand, leaving a little hill. The landscape of the bed changes as her arm makes its way toward me under the tight sheets. She arrives, her hand hovering above me. Slowly her fingertips alight on my chest and spread outward as the palm makes its way closer to my hair-laden skin. Warm hand heating my surface which the sheets had chilled. The static her fingers collected on the journey to me raise my hairs and prick my skin until her hand covers my heart.
A horizontal string of light fades in and intensifies. Morning: twenty minutes later. We pass our morning this way, accumulating a little pile of moments, like haikus which paint a bigger picture.

This College

Currently listening to:
Summer Babe
Pavement

Another strange night. Since it was Friday, everyone was trying to find a party. So there was one group I was with doing pre-drinking and they switched rooms and I went to visit other people. When I came back there was another group, all the less partying people of the floor, waiting outside the room for the other group so that they could go to a party with them. John Beasley and his 16 year-old friend Adam came out and scooped me away to the forest to smoke. We talked and smoked and I came to realize that many of the guys here (likely of the same temperament as John and Adam) have sex high up on their list of priorities right now. They spoke of their memories and hopes for a sexual night. Then headlights passed over us and John said "Oh, shit!" and ran. Adam and I got up and ran, too, all three of us going different directions. As I ran, the light passed over me and seemed to come back and focus and grow larger on me. I was running through a dark room, all natural light vanished as I tore through bushes and vines; all I could see was a fence above me with an orange artificial light glowing through the metal bars. I jumped it and was lost, but came to find I was at the front courtyard to my dorm. I walked nonchalantly back to the side door and saw the red and blue police light stopped in the forest. Perhaps it had caught someone? But everyone had gotten away.

I went back to the dorm to find the groups still waiting around. I went in the room and told the tale. The group outside left and we soon followed, but I had to grab a jacket and they left me. After waiting around where they said they were, I found out they had already left for a house party. So I went there and was stopped at the door because I didn't know the house owners. Eventually I got in, and I really wish I hadn't. There were probably a hundred people in the small front of the house and John told me there were two hundred more in the backyard. My friend Maiwand had followed my friends to the party and he was out of place but didn't seem to notice. He's from Afghanistan. He related that he hadn't really had anything to drink and wasn't too into socializing because the people there were only interested in "baggy pants." I talked to a couple people but I just wasn't comfortable, like a plant watered with salt I was suffocating and lost my night high immediately. I left. Maiwand said he wanted to stay longer to watch people.

I always try to follow my heart.
Back at the dorm I visited in Anna's room, then Carly's. Perspective is different in these states and it seems as if people are giving weird looks, but they probably aren't.

I'm glad I started out at a small college like Webster. This sort of large college makes the demographic of party goers seem very large.

Nice Beard

Currently listening to:
Human
The Killers

"Are we human, or are we dancers?"
*****
Today while trying to return a book and getting envelopes and stamps, I ran into "nice beard" guy again. The first time I was waiting in a line and this guy with sunglasses and a long pointy Viking sort of beard walked by wearing these short-shorts with a bubble pattern. He said to me, "nice beard, man." And I said, "you too, man."
So I was walking by him again and I immediately start smiling as we passed. He wore a baby blue set of short-shorts this time. He said, "nice beard, man" without smiling at all. Since he had sunglasses on, I couldn't tell if his eyes were smiling. I said, "you too, man."

Also, in the morning there was a strange guy on a bike who seemed to be singing along with music he was listening to, only it was in an Asian dialect. However, he soon turned his bike around and retraced his path while cursing. Turns out he is white and he was singing in English, but it was all muddled as if he were on something. Then he wanted to lock up his bike, I suppose, and he did this weird bird whistle of sorts like it would reveal to him a good open spot to park. I don't know. There seem to be a lot of weird people, or maybe they aren't weird themselves.

Eatable

Yesterday I ate a pot cookie, only I should have eaten just half of it because I'm skinny and susceptible to pot. So I did that at 1 PM and by 2 I thought I was going to be sick, so I lay down on the floor to nap. I had my legs over each other and it felt like the melded into a fin, like a merhuman. I didn't throw up like last time, though. I don't have much comfortable luck with that drug.
Grabbed a late dinner at 7 where I ran into Maiwand and Jen Ralph and Azra. Suddenly I was in Sam's room with a bunch of girls and I was a little stoned still and Sydney asked if I was high because I was spacey, and I said I didn't think that changed much from day to day, and everyone else agreed. We all drank and then they left to seek parties. This is a big house party sort of school.
I think when there's a meteor shower, I can arrange some people to go back into the mountains to truly see it.

"If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists." -Antione de Saint-Exupery

At first when I saw this quote I thought it meant the person that wants the sheep exists. After the cookie hit me I knew that it was the sheep that existed. You can't want something that doesn't exist, or that you don't know!

Visions

Friday evening I headed for Estes State Park for the free camp sites so I could try to do a vision quest. It was a successful first attempt, even though it was only for a day, though not in the way I expected. Vision probably means more like "insight," but if you do it for the usual three days, I guess the term may apply in other ways.

I met a couple nice people there, Beth and Roger and their part blue heeler, who took my name down in case I went missing. After the night, I approached their campsite again and the blue heeler actually came out to greet me. I take that to be a good sign. It's given me lots to think about and I'll probably write a poem and story and paint about the experience.

I got back Saturday morning and the day kind of drifted away from there. Hopefully tomorrow night there will be a hookah outing. It will be my first time.

People

Currently listening to:
91.7 FM
Texas Ind. Radio

People here are kind of strange. The workout movement is at large, I guess because this is a sports school. I never really understood working out to get muscle that isn't needed on a day to day basis. What I mean is that we all have an inherent strength which comes from how we live our lives; having no more strength than is needed. However, most students here seem preoccupied with working out, such that they walk a long distance to the Rec Center.
Then, to support their bodies, they must take in more water and food to re-energize so that they might workout once more. It all seems very inefficient to me, especially since it requires much time out of the schedule.

Furthermore, everyone seems to enjoy competitive sports to some degree. Competitive games. It is difficult to get people for cloud watching or a casual tossing of frisbee. I'm not active enough for most people here; I move much slower, and it feels like that's a barrier. People like enthusiasm here, and exertion. These are not my people and I'm not sure I can find the relationships I have found at other institutions here.

Cloudscapes

This isn't stargazing, but it's about the same thing and I don't want to create a new tag for it. Essentially, the largest part of my day went to cloud gazing. I gathered a bunch of people and we lay in one of the secluded grassy parts of the dorm which was surrounded by the building on three sides, and looked up.
We, basically Robyn and I, saw many odd things in the clouds. They moved pretty quickly, and formed and fell apart. You blink and it's a whole new cloudscape. One cloud I noticed became a crescent moon, and suddenly an eye-hole opened and a nose extended and a mouth opened. So the moon became the man in the moon, and a silly man, too; it stuck its tongue out. However, my roommate made a few discouraging remarks about the activity and the man shriveled up and flattened out.
After a while I started noticing insects, small ones, flying about. This wasn't the strangest thing, because little white dots like sparks were abuzz all about. They were like flying electrons. And hollow worms appeared and seemed to jump up, then slide downward. Also, there were diatom looking discs with holes in the center. One person there said I was seeing floaters in my eye; the worms were little capillaries or something. It's kind of weird that there are all these little sparks moving around in our eyes.
To my recollection, I've never noticed these things while sitting up or not looking at the sky - both seem to be key elements. I thought it was pretty calming and I would like to experiment with it further.

Today I started sketching a canvas for another painting. I may put off the koi pond even more.

College Leaves Little Time For Blogging

It's kind of difficult to explain. I seek that comfortable area of conversation that seems to be limited to face-to-face meetings. I want to recreate that feeling; however, sometimes I come across great resistance. Some sort of barrier is up and must be shattered to reveal the soft soul below. I'm afraid I just don't know how to do it smoothly.
I ask lots of questions. It's how I get the details of people's lives, sure, but it's also a means for keeping a conversation going. I guess I need to buy time until the breaching-point is reached and comfortable conversation ensues. I wish conversations didn't have to become so ragged in order to become like old times, but I guess it's a product of not being able to tell the feelings on the other side of a text, or non-text.
My memory is like mush. I remember lots of details, just not ones that entirely matter. I'm not even sure which details are the ones that do matter. Some people seem to get frustrated at times because of it, though they end up saying it's not a big deal that matters. It matters to me. I think about things to blog or tell people about and can't remember what they are when the time comes.
I don't know. I hope things get better. I know I forgot a lot I wanted to say.

I'm having a hard time getting away from people in order to write, read, and paint. I need to finish some of these ideas before I lose them.

Blog Love

Once in a while I come across a blog in my search for image and writing tidbits. They aren't always on an official blogging site; sometimes they're in image storage sites, or true amateur writing entry sites. Whatever the case may be, I follow the bit to its source and explore.

The popular method for presenting short blog stories seems to be in the first person, capturing a small amount of time, not necessarily with conflict. They are very peculiar in the language they use, often drawing on aspects of nature.

So sometimes I come across a writer who does not know I exist, and I only know them through their writing. They often write of love and distance and introspective things. They are little moments; those precious ones that last an instant, and if someone like me doesn't write them down, they are gone forever. But they touch me and I come to realize that I fall for the writer a little bit. With simple, beautiful stories, I find that I love these writers - and if I were to ever contact them and get to know them, I would probably fall out of love. I guess this is the bond between the reader and writer.
*****
The only odd thing that happened today was finding two yellow jacket (?) nests lying in the grass next to the sidewalk. The smaller one ended up having a couple adults waiting to come out. I heard a papery scratching noise, but didn't think anything of it and went to class. After I got back, I watched it emerge, only it wasn't ready to fly yet. So I put a cup over it and took in into the room across the hall where Andrew opened the window. Then I picked at another cap and saw a leg poke out. The pod looked small but actually went deeper in the nest, so that last one was dumped out too. I wasn't sure what to do about it, so I duct taped the nest to the ceiling of the dorm hall. Nothing else has come out as far as I know.

Later, on the way to dinner, I found a papery nest, only it didn't have comb inside of it. Gillian believed it to be a bird nest, particularly a swallow nest. I think a bird nest is a suitable guess. So, nature collection is going well here. I just need more feathers..

Car Ride (flash fiction)

"I never mentioned this to anyone, but you came up the night he and I fought," She said. "He said he knew that we were still talking. I admitted we were-"
"How could he know?" I interrupted. "He could have been testing you."
"It really doesn't matter," She shot back, "I wouldn't want to lie anyway."
"Right."
A pause.
"So I admitted that we were still talking, but that there was nothing more between us."

I lowered my head at that. She undid us with a sentence; quickly taking the air from me and quieting the foreign pop song in the background. The way She speaks has the impact of effectively silencing opposition, as if Her final words leave no room for other alternatives. I generally accept Her words.

My head lowers because of the past She denies, though for good reason. For my innocence and lack of understanding in the situation. For my selfishness which is a constant obstacle keeping me from truly grasping and helping Her; though I don't even know if She needs or wants my help. She is strong on Her own, or wears the guise well.

I raise my head once more and glance at Her. She hasn't noticed. We move past lightly lit business strips and pitch shadows slide over and hide Her face.

Stirring

I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still.
-Plath (1948)

Things of Adjustment

1. Mountain Time. I have an extra hour, people from Colorado don't. I don't plan on changing my watch or laptop time, this way I will feel like it's later and I will get things done quicker. It feels good always seeing the time and realizing I have more. I'm selfish about it.

2. Dryness. I'm drinking a lot more water in this higher elevation. During breakfast I drank a chai tea, then downed eight ounces of orange water (it doesn't qualify as juice) in one drink. Supposedly, I'll adjust and begin drinking a normal amount, but I see many students carrying water bottles everywhere.

3. Clouds. Speaking of elevation, the clouds are much closer and much more detailed than in Texas. I'm still amazed and point them out and the people around me don't see anything different about them. They are taken for granted.

4. Slang. I'm not used to the hipster slang used by many of the students here. In St. Louis everyone just spoke the generic understandable English. Here, I feel like I have to ask what people are exactly saying. I guess I'm just literal about these things.

5. I think I might apply for the Dining Services Advisory Council so I can influence the direction of the cafeterias.

School Starts Tomorrow

The events this weekend have been interesting. I saw fire breathers/dancers, played laser tag, participated in human fuseball, general floor activities, and other things I can't remember because they went by so fast.

More people I've met: vegan Robyn who is a laid back girl, though not so much a hippie; cynical Dan; Celtic Liah; Jake; Jake from another hall who likes photography; Hannah who wears her heart on her sleeve; quiet Shea; sheltered Adam; bro John; Jayme; stand-offish Andrew; self-conscious Justin.

Justin is the first roommate I think I've been able to deal with. He still has the little quirks that are kind of odd and a little annoying, but I'm dealing with them surprisingly well, as he is with me. Perhaps I'm just thick-skinned to living in the same room with someone now.

School spirit and the anthems. The first day, they packed us in an auditorium decked out in the school colors and band and cheerleaders. And anthems were sung, some of which were essentially repeating "CSU is great" over and over. I understand the obsession with school loyalty about as much as I understand country loyalty. Sure there are distinct aspects which separate one school from another and one country from another, but I've never felt such loyalty as to fight for one particular place or institution over another. It kind of felt like a brainwashing of the freshman minds or a foundation being set up.
*****
Anyway, tonight I watched some friends try to slackline, which is setting a rope between two trees and trying to tightrope walk across it. While they did that, I climbed a couple trees and whistled at people which was a funny joke for a while. I want to climb to the top of one of the trees some free day.

Today was kind of a blah day; I just didn't feel all that into it. I took a tour of the campus and think I'll be able to find my buildings tomorrow. I bought a lab manual. I ate two meals, at odd times. I laid in grass. I texted Dandelion but she was giving me the short responses I should be able to recognize by now. I think she's still in the undulating stage of her life at the moment. She'll probably be there for a while, too, since she's figuring herself out. I believe that's very good; she needs some introspective time. I just hope she likes what she finds in the end.

I'll post pictures of the short hike we did yesterday, on Facebook.

Summer Skin/Arrival

Some more things from the drive, including the last hundred miles into campus on Thursday:

1. Bug death; each time I got gas I cleaned the windshield and right when I started driving again, bugs cast themselves against the glass. I do believe there is a way of flying which spares most of them, but then again, it would be the way the current flows over the car at that time. At the same time, I passed through a butterfly meadow and they smacked left and right, leaving smears of body on the shield. The 18-wheeler in front of me left a road covered in cloudless sulphers (probably) which would flutter their one working wing. I hope they didn't suffer long. That's the first time I've been down a road with so much insect life in it.

2. Then there's the oversize load vehicles carrying huge empty spools, or giant spheres, or vats of pickles or something. They're never very obvious as to what they belong to as a whole. Sometimes I wonder if the government is building something and they increased the proportions so that it wouldn't be obvious as to what it is in part.
*****
I got in and there was heavy traffic because the town is small and the lanes are few. After some hours in line, I swirled around and got a spot in the lot next to my dorm. Moved in with my roommate and his father's help.
The dorm is a single room. We got lucky and ended up next to a janitorial closet, so its just a two person room with its own bathroom. The shower is large. The mirror and sink are directly next to the door when you enter. There is a housekeeping service once a week.

There was some programming and food and a carnival. Basically everyone I met is a freshman, I haven't come across any dorm-living transfers or upper classmen. The group I was hanging out with found out I was 21 (even though I openly mentioned it) and sort of teased me about hanging out with them. So I chill-ly asked why it mattered since I was new. I don't think I'll live in dorms after this year ends.

The days are warm and the nights are very cool and I've seen clouds in such detail I had never seen in Texas. There are very many trees here and one spot called "Sherwood Forest" which contains a specimen of every native tree in Colorado.

The cafeterias are all-you-can-eat madness. Swarms mobbing counters and grabbing seats. It will be interesting to see the dynamic once people get into their school schedules and can't eat as a floor any longer.

I'm still waiting to sign up for my calculus class so I can go buy the material, hopefully before the first day of class. I met a girl named Carly whom I vaguely remembered from the lame meet the hall activity. She seems pretty hippie-ish, but I don't really know her yet. Also, another girl named Shannon keeps popping up. Since it's impossible to find people on facebook without a last name, I'm going to get numbers.

Today I got lost, as I'm sure I will much more often. It was after the major fair where I learned both philosophy and English departments have a lack of clubs to join. Then on the way to the dorm I got lost and found one of the guys from behind the philosophy table who is a grad student who gets free housing and class in exchange for TA duties. So we discussed philosophy and got on the topic of ethnobotanicals and schizophrenics and the such. He has a curly beard.

So, here's some more pictures from the road and my side of the dorm:

Leaving

Currently listening to:
Mrs. Cold
Kings of Convenience

Last night I packed fully. It's strange how easy it is to not pack when you're nervous about leaving.

Then I woke up at 7 AM and loaded the car. I've seen so much in such a short time that I stopped seeing. It will probably be easier to do minor summaries. I phrased everything very well in my head while driving, but now I'm tired so I'll do my best.

Rubber debris blackens the road in front of me so I know a tire burst at some point. The 18-wheeler in front of me edges off the road, one of the front tires missing its rubber, the steel scraping along.

18-wheelers, like giant chess pieces, careen by, swirling the air into a fist which rips past me and sounds like a sword slicing through thick fabric.

A highway was under repair. One of the two lanes was being replaced so both directions of traffic had to take turns on 6.5 miles of one lane. Those not in the front had little idea what they were waiting for.

I pass little towns less and less frequently. Despite it being the middle of the week and in the afternoon, most stores are closed. These far in between towns are the only available refueling points between the large cities. Honestly it felt like they were dying; they shrivel up with the economy and those that can get away go to the concentrated large cities. What this means for people trying to travel in the sparse West, I'm not sure.

The landscape of the high plains of Texas was surprisingly hilly with tree clusters. This turned into flatland which turned into a sort of grassland with plateaus. The scarcity of humanity crept up on my after a time and were it not for my phone, I might have gone crazy. The lack of towns and the vastness of nature greatly unnerved me and at times I thought it would go on forever. Signs were also absent, as if those living out here don't think in terms of miles.

By the end of the day I had driven twelve hours and probably an extra seventy-five miles than planned, looking for a suitable motel. Everyone stopped texting me since I'd pestered them all day. They got me through the day, though - so thanks, guys! The sky at the end of the day was full of cirrus and stratus clouds which looked like innumerable fish skeletons on the horizon.

Tomorrow I move into CSU. Crap.