She Wrote the Prologue to the Rest of My Life

Currently listening to:
Fillmore Jive
Pavement

So ends another chapter in my life; or maybe the chapter is still going. I no longer know because I'm still living in it. What I do know is a transition has happened, a conclusion has been reached. It's like a well-written book: the end comes gradually and you accept it - there's nothing else you can do. The characters and tales will be missed. It's not a dead-end ending or one that leaves the reader perturbed, it is comfortable and quiet.

What I'm vaguely alluding to is a period of cheating in my life which has ended. I'm no longer as tightly entangled in Dandelion's relationship - not "the other guy" anymore. I understand her wanting to see what more can happen with her relationship, that's her story. I'll continue writing mine; including my book, the story of everyone. I don't know how to capture all these feelings, so I'm just throwing in bits and pieces.

In the end, this is probably the right thing for the time. Being picked up and set back down, the nausea of a roller coaster, is no way to live. These pains temper me, and now I have a release. I hope she holds me as a bird, loose but not so loose that I fly away, so that if she ever turns around I'll be there, somewhat familiar.

To my future self:
I hope you don't need reminding, but remember she's done more for you in one summer than any of the previous relationships. Despite the unforeseen "break-up," you are much stronger than you were, perhaps even more certain of who you are and who you want to be. I hope you stayed in touch with her.

On another note, I remember that gut wrenching feeling of break-ups from the beginning of everything. It seems after a succession of them, the feeling becomes a dull ache instead of the burning-stop-eating-it's -all-over feeling and that is called "becoming stronger." That more children didn't commit suicide in the throes of those first break-ups always surprised me. It's sort of like the survival of the fittest of relationships.

She said she wants to return all the letters I gave her, but keep the artful things. I understand the risk in harboring them and her desire to have me as her best kept secret without physical evidence lying around, but I'm just not sure. If it's this or her burning them, I guess I'll hold onto them until she's ready to take them back. I just may charge interest!

There are two moments of relief I have experienced recently: the first is this release; the second is when I realized there was nothing I could give her that she didn't already have. I have no poetic way to describe the feeling of that weight lifting off of me. I had permission to be me and not try to live up to anything, and maybe that has eased this release. I think that is the attitude that should be sought after in relationships; two people being together, not expecting anything, - that's love.

Part of me misses the shenanigans of the first meetings but maybe those become prime numbers as the relationship deepens. I really will miss the adventures and the ones that won't ever seem to finish, though maybe there will be time for them someday? I'm just glad to have her for a best friend and provide her with a close friend. Perhaps someday we'll walk the same path in step, or at least speak in the old terms in the open.

I could go on and on - that's just the effect she has on me - but I'll stop. I know this sounds very final, but it's actually just a beginning.