Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I Know a Substance
One thing I've learned is that deals usually tend to fall through. When a substance is around, one has to arrange the budget to get as much as one can, because it could be the last. It shouldn't be so difficult. Were they sold in stores it would be fine, but now one has to rely on the seller who has constant connections, and those connections lead to dipping into your own supply because it's available. Those are the people with the most problems but they have to be dealt with anyway.
Once Upon a Time In My Life
There's nothing really to say. Drank and watched Rocky Horror for the first time, with a couple friends. I still am not sure what I watched but it kept me asleep with weird dreams until noon; not to mention the Bonobo I listened to at the same time. I really couldn't stomach the gin I bought, even though every other time I tried it it seemed fine. So I ended up passing what was left in the bottle for ten dollars which was taking a serious hit. I'd rather have the ten dollars to apply to a bottle of Frangelica or something, though, I think.
Rebekah posted the date for her senior recital, but I can't go because of how removed I am, spatially and temporally. I wish I could go see her though that probably won't happen until she's out of school in her own place.
I don't feel like doing anything; it feels like half the semester should be over already. I can't believe I'm already this burned out. It would be nice to have just started working my way more into the NPS after this summer, to be actually doing something and making some money. There aren't really any campus jobs I can do right now and I'm busy enough with clubs and homework as it is.
I think I'll just nail out a homework assignment today and smoke and eat ramen. Maybe cook something for the future tonight. Blah..
Rebekah posted the date for her senior recital, but I can't go because of how removed I am, spatially and temporally. I wish I could go see her though that probably won't happen until she's out of school in her own place.
I don't feel like doing anything; it feels like half the semester should be over already. I can't believe I'm already this burned out. It would be nice to have just started working my way more into the NPS after this summer, to be actually doing something and making some money. There aren't really any campus jobs I can do right now and I'm busy enough with clubs and homework as it is.
I think I'll just nail out a homework assignment today and smoke and eat ramen. Maybe cook something for the future tonight. Blah..
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Relationships
I think relationships are two people, two wholes, coming together to create beautiful art together, rather than two parts hoping for a whole. It could also be two people coming together to face the world, to go against it, if must be. That would be preferable to facing the world on one's own.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Snippet
The only two people in an empty classroom...
Girl: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut up and comfortably enjoy the silence.
Me: For some it keeps them going. Not me, I always prefer a good conversation.
Girl: Words are inert. They’re just symbols. They’re dead. And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It’s unspeakable.
Me: You're an interesting girl, aren't you?
Girl: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut up and comfortably enjoy the silence.
Me: For some it keeps them going. Not me, I always prefer a good conversation.
Girl: Words are inert. They’re just symbols. They’re dead. And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It’s unspeakable.
Me: You're an interesting girl, aren't you?
Shower
In the shower I turned my head toward the curtain and felt the jet of water shoot into my ear, eliciting the same reaction from me as when a dog finds the opportunity to lick within my ear.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Many Firsts
Two nights ago I spent the night with my friend Andrew. First we went to one of his coworkers' house for some pre-"gaming" before going to some music venue at a club. They seemed like good people but, according to Andrew, they all have some nasty characteristics once you get to know them. I probably won't ever get to know them because of the scene they associate with, and because they are much older than me.
The club was a little strange to me since I've never been to one before. The music was too loud to talk over; they played some electronic music. Two people were painting off to the side, I guess as paid entertainment? I stood in front of the speakers at one point and it felt like I was standing and there was another me passing through me, forward then backward, reverberating. When I explained that to Andrew he said I should follow the movements of the reverberating me to dance. I never really feel like dancing, if you can call it that, so I just stood around feeling awkward. I was there for Andrew anyway, and don't plan on being in a place like that again. Once more I got the feeling I was being watched and I kept catching people looking at me right before they turned away. I know I've posted about people staring at me and I still don't know what they're seeing. Probably my uncomfortableness and how much I didn't want to be there.
We finally left and went back to Andrew's which has a cool room in the attic with tan walls and a slanted white ceiling to reflect light. The room contained two tables, an armchair, two beds and the walls were mostly bookshelves. The purpose of the night was to try DMT for the first time which is released when you're born, die and sleep. We did it at the same time and became paralyzed; we couldn't really speak or move, only look around. The room, for me, became divided into three separate rooms: the empty bed with a couple carved chairs and bookshelves, the bed I was on facing the computer desk, and the armchair Andrew sat in with the other table and bookshelves. The empty bed room became very stylized, colors warm and vibrant, like the back of some 1950s cereal box. I never looked at Andrew, but the plate on the floor with the painted rim became figures dancing in a circle, and in the mirror over the table I saw myself sitting perfectly still and then the reflection started looking around and moving while I stared. There was also a phase where the entire room became painted like a child's paint-by-number, colorful splotches of paint representing things. It was also a little like Andy Warhol's style. I also saw a membrane on the inside of the room coating the walls; it was a soft gradient blue. I mentally enlarged it by pulling a section of wall towards me and saw a pattern of connected pentagons with a thin black line in the upper half of each pentagon. I didn't enlarge it anymore to see what was inside the line. Perhaps because I noticed it, the membrane began decomposing and was soon gone. Andrew would later tell me he saw the same thing and a variation of the painted sequence. It was like we shared a conscious lucid daydream.
All in all, it was very short, like an abridged mushroom journey, as if all the scenes that would happen with mushrooms were stitched together to make one confusing moment in space and time. I felt like we had lost an hour but it was probably five minutes. For the amount we did to get that effect and with how much it costs, I probably won't do it again. Mushrooms are a lot cheaper and more open in length and content. I have to say, though, that for how short DMT was I remember it very vividly days later.
Then last night I was up for four hours or so making beet burgers and a big salad. There's so many different veggies in each, I'm excited to eat them. I also made two cans of hummus today with my freshly opened spices. I could taste a difference in hummus with the old spices at home and the new ones here. Hopefully everything I bought will last at least three weeks if not four because I did spend a lot on groceries. Fortunately, the organic garden club I am with is still producing food and I've been given permission to take what I need. One of the managers said he's been taking excess home over the summer and composting it because there was just too much to use. So maybe I'll have free organic foods until the end of September, weather permitting.
The club was a little strange to me since I've never been to one before. The music was too loud to talk over; they played some electronic music. Two people were painting off to the side, I guess as paid entertainment? I stood in front of the speakers at one point and it felt like I was standing and there was another me passing through me, forward then backward, reverberating. When I explained that to Andrew he said I should follow the movements of the reverberating me to dance. I never really feel like dancing, if you can call it that, so I just stood around feeling awkward. I was there for Andrew anyway, and don't plan on being in a place like that again. Once more I got the feeling I was being watched and I kept catching people looking at me right before they turned away. I know I've posted about people staring at me and I still don't know what they're seeing. Probably my uncomfortableness and how much I didn't want to be there.
We finally left and went back to Andrew's which has a cool room in the attic with tan walls and a slanted white ceiling to reflect light. The room contained two tables, an armchair, two beds and the walls were mostly bookshelves. The purpose of the night was to try DMT for the first time which is released when you're born, die and sleep. We did it at the same time and became paralyzed; we couldn't really speak or move, only look around. The room, for me, became divided into three separate rooms: the empty bed with a couple carved chairs and bookshelves, the bed I was on facing the computer desk, and the armchair Andrew sat in with the other table and bookshelves. The empty bed room became very stylized, colors warm and vibrant, like the back of some 1950s cereal box. I never looked at Andrew, but the plate on the floor with the painted rim became figures dancing in a circle, and in the mirror over the table I saw myself sitting perfectly still and then the reflection started looking around and moving while I stared. There was also a phase where the entire room became painted like a child's paint-by-number, colorful splotches of paint representing things. It was also a little like Andy Warhol's style. I also saw a membrane on the inside of the room coating the walls; it was a soft gradient blue. I mentally enlarged it by pulling a section of wall towards me and saw a pattern of connected pentagons with a thin black line in the upper half of each pentagon. I didn't enlarge it anymore to see what was inside the line. Perhaps because I noticed it, the membrane began decomposing and was soon gone. Andrew would later tell me he saw the same thing and a variation of the painted sequence. It was like we shared a conscious lucid daydream.
All in all, it was very short, like an abridged mushroom journey, as if all the scenes that would happen with mushrooms were stitched together to make one confusing moment in space and time. I felt like we had lost an hour but it was probably five minutes. For the amount we did to get that effect and with how much it costs, I probably won't do it again. Mushrooms are a lot cheaper and more open in length and content. I have to say, though, that for how short DMT was I remember it very vividly days later.
Then last night I was up for four hours or so making beet burgers and a big salad. There's so many different veggies in each, I'm excited to eat them. I also made two cans of hummus today with my freshly opened spices. I could taste a difference in hummus with the old spices at home and the new ones here. Hopefully everything I bought will last at least three weeks if not four because I did spend a lot on groceries. Fortunately, the organic garden club I am with is still producing food and I've been given permission to take what I need. One of the managers said he's been taking excess home over the summer and composting it because there was just too much to use. So maybe I'll have free organic foods until the end of September, weather permitting.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My First Apartment
I know you guys have been waiting to hear about my new living situation. It's been a real roller coaster of emotion and uncertainty so I haven't felt okay to post.
I got in to Fort Collins about 6:30 on the 16th. It was raining and everyone was acting like they didn't know how to drive. It's interesting; everyone will speed in snow but not know how to drive in the rain, and in St. Louis it was the other way around.
So I started checking in to the complex but with someone who doesn't normally check people in, so it wasn't until nine that I was fully checked in and I was basically told to figure out the papers myself.
The apartment itself wasn't what I imagined in my head. It's as if they wanted to give as much space as possible but compress it like tetris pieces; the whole things is more like an efficiency apartment. The living room is pretty neglected, containing matchstick furniture with cheap cushions. Other than that it's empty. My roommate keeps all of his stuff in his room, including TV.
Josh has been living here for four months. He was in the smaller bedroom (now mine) until his roommate left, then he switched to the larger room which is roughly twice as big and only thirty dollars more a month. He doesn't really cook but is healthy in the way he eats, though I think he forgets about his food since I had to throw out some moldy bread and sour milk. His facial hair is very sharp, sort of like a greaser or one of those old-time guys with curled mustaches. He wants to be a brewer even though his degree is in natural resources, and he has been working at one of the microbreweries. He seems to get free beer and he drinks a lot, the way I drink lots of water.
The building is two stories with living room and kitchen on the first floor and bedrooms and bathroom on the second. The bathroom is very compact like mine at home, but is a bland white with hospital lighting (the whole apartment has hospital lighting); it's not the sort of bathroom one would want to hang out in. Like I said, my room is the smaller one and I was hoping to be able to finally have a full size bed, but it took up almost half the room! There was no room for my bookcase or for me to access my closet so I had to switch it out for a twin. While it fits me, it kills my chances at cuddling or napping with someone which upsets me. There's a chance Josh will be moving in with his brother because he doesn't really like these college apartments, in which case I could probably take his room and get the full bed.
None of the buildings have AC and they aren't built to catch a breeze. Architecturally this is a very big no-no, you have to have one or the other. I'm not terribly disappointed, though, because I know most of the school year is basically like winter; but it's been a lot hotter and more humid than it should be so who knows.
Unpacking is going well. The bed has been switched and the internet will be reconnected to my room soon. It's difficult to grocery shop right now because I don't know exactly what I need on hand. I bought some boca burgers to hold me until I figure it out. I think Sunday will be my first cooking day with my appliances and I'll be making beetroot burgers! I rekindled relations with a lot of my friends from last year. Last night was a big drinking night and I never made it home, the smart thing to do. Tomorrow I may get together with a friend who has a lot of connections and see a music show and try some new stuff. I probably won't be getting home that night either.
I think that's all I can think of to write about for now. I think all of my emotional issues with how this apartment is stems from having a vision of coming to my furnished apartment and then the realization that I'll have to unpack overwhelms me. Also I've been spoiled my whole life in having lots of space to myself which I think is why I'm such a territorial person and have a hard time adapting to new smaller spaces.
I got in to Fort Collins about 6:30 on the 16th. It was raining and everyone was acting like they didn't know how to drive. It's interesting; everyone will speed in snow but not know how to drive in the rain, and in St. Louis it was the other way around.
So I started checking in to the complex but with someone who doesn't normally check people in, so it wasn't until nine that I was fully checked in and I was basically told to figure out the papers myself.
The apartment itself wasn't what I imagined in my head. It's as if they wanted to give as much space as possible but compress it like tetris pieces; the whole things is more like an efficiency apartment. The living room is pretty neglected, containing matchstick furniture with cheap cushions. Other than that it's empty. My roommate keeps all of his stuff in his room, including TV.
Josh has been living here for four months. He was in the smaller bedroom (now mine) until his roommate left, then he switched to the larger room which is roughly twice as big and only thirty dollars more a month. He doesn't really cook but is healthy in the way he eats, though I think he forgets about his food since I had to throw out some moldy bread and sour milk. His facial hair is very sharp, sort of like a greaser or one of those old-time guys with curled mustaches. He wants to be a brewer even though his degree is in natural resources, and he has been working at one of the microbreweries. He seems to get free beer and he drinks a lot, the way I drink lots of water.
The building is two stories with living room and kitchen on the first floor and bedrooms and bathroom on the second. The bathroom is very compact like mine at home, but is a bland white with hospital lighting (the whole apartment has hospital lighting); it's not the sort of bathroom one would want to hang out in. Like I said, my room is the smaller one and I was hoping to be able to finally have a full size bed, but it took up almost half the room! There was no room for my bookcase or for me to access my closet so I had to switch it out for a twin. While it fits me, it kills my chances at cuddling or napping with someone which upsets me. There's a chance Josh will be moving in with his brother because he doesn't really like these college apartments, in which case I could probably take his room and get the full bed.
None of the buildings have AC and they aren't built to catch a breeze. Architecturally this is a very big no-no, you have to have one or the other. I'm not terribly disappointed, though, because I know most of the school year is basically like winter; but it's been a lot hotter and more humid than it should be so who knows.
Unpacking is going well. The bed has been switched and the internet will be reconnected to my room soon. It's difficult to grocery shop right now because I don't know exactly what I need on hand. I bought some boca burgers to hold me until I figure it out. I think Sunday will be my first cooking day with my appliances and I'll be making beetroot burgers! I rekindled relations with a lot of my friends from last year. Last night was a big drinking night and I never made it home, the smart thing to do. Tomorrow I may get together with a friend who has a lot of connections and see a music show and try some new stuff. I probably won't be getting home that night either.
I think that's all I can think of to write about for now. I think all of my emotional issues with how this apartment is stems from having a vision of coming to my furnished apartment and then the realization that I'll have to unpack overwhelms me. Also I've been spoiled my whole life in having lots of space to myself which I think is why I'm such a territorial person and have a hard time adapting to new smaller spaces.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Interchangeable
From different people I've heard the phrase "I don't want him/her out of my life." I don't exactly know all the situations that give rise to this statement, but I've thought about it in terms of myself. I wonder if there are people that feel that way about me. When I'm around people day-to-day constantly I get a lot of unsolicited interaction, but once I leave it seems like I'm always the one to send the first reconnecting message. It's not that I'm not memorable, people seem to remember me, but it seems like anytime I leave, those near me feel they have had their fill and don't need to chat anymore.
I don't think I'm particularly abnormal, but I also don't think there are too many people like me, so I can't be so replaceable that I'm not needed or sought after. I've always had a love-hate relationship with people and I'm usually picky about those I get close with, so I already have a small pool of people I really like; and then they move on and I'm left wondering if people ever don't want me out of their lives. There's sort of a disconnect where people aren't speaking openly about these things and the non-verbal meanings aren't getting through.
I don't think I'm particularly abnormal, but I also don't think there are too many people like me, so I can't be so replaceable that I'm not needed or sought after. I've always had a love-hate relationship with people and I'm usually picky about those I get close with, so I already have a small pool of people I really like; and then they move on and I'm left wondering if people ever don't want me out of their lives. There's sort of a disconnect where people aren't speaking openly about these things and the non-verbal meanings aren't getting through.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Snippet
"I have the Scott Pilgrim movie."
"Oh, that's a great one!"
"I like movies where the guy gets the girl, but it also makes me sad."
"Why is that?"
"Because they make it look so easy."
"Oh, that's a great one!"
"I like movies where the guy gets the girl, but it also makes me sad."
"Why is that?"
"Because they make it look so easy."
Thursday, August 11, 2011
High School Love
I just watched Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World, one of the movies I bought at Borders. Michael Cera movies aren't really my favorite but I really got into this one the first time I saw it. I think the visuals that accompany the music played in the movie sync up with what goes on in my mind when I watch music being performed. It's always some battle with one hero able to make things right and triumph. I guess that's what got me into it.
I also like the innocence in Scott Pilgrim, an innocent love like back in high school. That's probably my favorite kind of love, being in the moment day-by-day and having only one expectation, that the other will be in school the next day to see each other. I wish I could go back to that instead of having to meet new people in this older age.
I don't like that actors stop being the characters they play, outside of the movie. The characters were never real in the first place, I guess.
I also like the innocence in Scott Pilgrim, an innocent love like back in high school. That's probably my favorite kind of love, being in the moment day-by-day and having only one expectation, that the other will be in school the next day to see each other. I wish I could go back to that instead of having to meet new people in this older age.
I don't like that actors stop being the characters they play, outside of the movie. The characters were never real in the first place, I guess.
He Was the Sort of Person Who Felt Loss When a Tailing Car Suddenly Took Another Route
I went to Borders yesternight, one of the last in Dallas, probably. I kind of felt a little guilty being there, like a crow looking over the carcass and bones of some dead animal. That's what Borders is now, the name is resigned but the remnants of body linger as if decomposing. My looting of the body went well; the anime sections are picked clean but I found four cheesy movies (my favorite).
I've been consolidating my things so everything will fit in my car to go back to school. In one of my boxes I found a glow stick, one of those sturdy ones. I had found a twisty one earlier in another box but it didn't activate when I cracked it. So I assumed this one was too old as well, but it lit up when I cracked it and its only noon. I feel like I've wasted something good and useful and this is the only one I have. It kind of got me down.
I've been consolidating my things so everything will fit in my car to go back to school. In one of my boxes I found a glow stick, one of those sturdy ones. I had found a twisty one earlier in another box but it didn't activate when I cracked it. So I assumed this one was too old as well, but it lit up when I cracked it and its only noon. I feel like I've wasted something good and useful and this is the only one I have. It kind of got me down.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes it feels like it should be an easy thing to make a living writing and doing odd jobs on the side, like helping neighbors build things or planting trees or gardening.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Warm Places
Warm places:
the arm of someone driving with the sun on their side
a seat someone just left
the spot of the floor my dog was using
under the covers, plus a few minutes
the arm of someone driving with the sun on their side
a seat someone just left
the spot of the floor my dog was using
under the covers, plus a few minutes
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Double Talk
I think that I usually have double meanings with the things I ask or say; it's sort of one aspect of my vagueness. Maybe by saying certain things I give myself an out, I can claim to have meant something else. I like to be vague and safe that way. On rare occasions, this double meaning is a way to get even, to insult. I'm not even entirely sure when I'm doing this until after it has happened. I don't premeditate my vague meanings.
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