This isn't stargazing, but it's about the same thing and I don't want to create a new tag for it. Essentially, the largest part of my day went to cloud gazing. I gathered a bunch of people and we lay in one of the secluded grassy parts of the dorm which was surrounded by the building on three sides, and looked up.
We, basically Robyn and I, saw many odd things in the clouds. They moved pretty quickly, and formed and fell apart. You blink and it's a whole new cloudscape. One cloud I noticed became a crescent moon, and suddenly an eye-hole opened and a nose extended and a mouth opened. So the moon became the man in the moon, and a silly man, too; it stuck its tongue out. However, my roommate made a few discouraging remarks about the activity and the man shriveled up and flattened out.
After a while I started noticing insects, small ones, flying about. This wasn't the strangest thing, because little white dots like sparks were abuzz all about. They were like flying electrons. And hollow worms appeared and seemed to jump up, then slide downward. Also, there were diatom looking discs with holes in the center. One person there said I was seeing floaters in my eye; the worms were little capillaries or something. It's kind of weird that there are all these little sparks moving around in our eyes.
To my recollection, I've never noticed these things while sitting up or not looking at the sky - both seem to be key elements. I thought it was pretty calming and I would like to experiment with it further.
Today I started sketching a canvas for another painting. I may put off the koi pond even more.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
College Leaves Little Time For Blogging
It's kind of difficult to explain. I seek that comfortable area of conversation that seems to be limited to face-to-face meetings. I want to recreate that feeling; however, sometimes I come across great resistance. Some sort of barrier is up and must be shattered to reveal the soft soul below. I'm afraid I just don't know how to do it smoothly.
I ask lots of questions. It's how I get the details of people's lives, sure, but it's also a means for keeping a conversation going. I guess I need to buy time until the breaching-point is reached and comfortable conversation ensues. I wish conversations didn't have to become so ragged in order to become like old times, but I guess it's a product of not being able to tell the feelings on the other side of a text, or non-text.
My memory is like mush. I remember lots of details, just not ones that entirely matter. I'm not even sure which details are the ones that do matter. Some people seem to get frustrated at times because of it, though they end up saying it's not a big deal that matters. It matters to me. I think about things to blog or tell people about and can't remember what they are when the time comes.
I don't know. I hope things get better. I know I forgot a lot I wanted to say.
I'm having a hard time getting away from people in order to write, read, and paint. I need to finish some of these ideas before I lose them.
I ask lots of questions. It's how I get the details of people's lives, sure, but it's also a means for keeping a conversation going. I guess I need to buy time until the breaching-point is reached and comfortable conversation ensues. I wish conversations didn't have to become so ragged in order to become like old times, but I guess it's a product of not being able to tell the feelings on the other side of a text, or non-text.
My memory is like mush. I remember lots of details, just not ones that entirely matter. I'm not even sure which details are the ones that do matter. Some people seem to get frustrated at times because of it, though they end up saying it's not a big deal that matters. It matters to me. I think about things to blog or tell people about and can't remember what they are when the time comes.
I don't know. I hope things get better. I know I forgot a lot I wanted to say.
I'm having a hard time getting away from people in order to write, read, and paint. I need to finish some of these ideas before I lose them.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Blog Love
Once in a while I come across a blog in my search for image and writing tidbits. They aren't always on an official blogging site; sometimes they're in image storage sites, or true amateur writing entry sites. Whatever the case may be, I follow the bit to its source and explore.
The popular method for presenting short blog stories seems to be in the first person, capturing a small amount of time, not necessarily with conflict. They are very peculiar in the language they use, often drawing on aspects of nature.
So sometimes I come across a writer who does not know I exist, and I only know them through their writing. They often write of love and distance and introspective things. They are little moments; those precious ones that last an instant, and if someone like me doesn't write them down, they are gone forever. But they touch me and I come to realize that I fall for the writer a little bit. With simple, beautiful stories, I find that I love these writers - and if I were to ever contact them and get to know them, I would probably fall out of love. I guess this is the bond between the reader and writer.
*****
The only odd thing that happened today was finding two yellow jacket (?) nests lying in the grass next to the sidewalk. The smaller one ended up having a couple adults waiting to come out. I heard a papery scratching noise, but didn't think anything of it and went to class. After I got back, I watched it emerge, only it wasn't ready to fly yet. So I put a cup over it and took in into the room across the hall where Andrew opened the window. Then I picked at another cap and saw a leg poke out. The pod looked small but actually went deeper in the nest, so that last one was dumped out too. I wasn't sure what to do about it, so I duct taped the nest to the ceiling of the dorm hall. Nothing else has come out as far as I know.
Later, on the way to dinner, I found a papery nest, only it didn't have comb inside of it. Gillian believed it to be a bird nest, particularly a swallow nest. I think a bird nest is a suitable guess. So, nature collection is going well here. I just need more feathers..
The popular method for presenting short blog stories seems to be in the first person, capturing a small amount of time, not necessarily with conflict. They are very peculiar in the language they use, often drawing on aspects of nature.
So sometimes I come across a writer who does not know I exist, and I only know them through their writing. They often write of love and distance and introspective things. They are little moments; those precious ones that last an instant, and if someone like me doesn't write them down, they are gone forever. But they touch me and I come to realize that I fall for the writer a little bit. With simple, beautiful stories, I find that I love these writers - and if I were to ever contact them and get to know them, I would probably fall out of love. I guess this is the bond between the reader and writer.
*****
The only odd thing that happened today was finding two yellow jacket (?) nests lying in the grass next to the sidewalk. The smaller one ended up having a couple adults waiting to come out. I heard a papery scratching noise, but didn't think anything of it and went to class. After I got back, I watched it emerge, only it wasn't ready to fly yet. So I put a cup over it and took in into the room across the hall where Andrew opened the window. Then I picked at another cap and saw a leg poke out. The pod looked small but actually went deeper in the nest, so that last one was dumped out too. I wasn't sure what to do about it, so I duct taped the nest to the ceiling of the dorm hall. Nothing else has come out as far as I know.
Later, on the way to dinner, I found a papery nest, only it didn't have comb inside of it. Gillian believed it to be a bird nest, particularly a swallow nest. I think a bird nest is a suitable guess. So, nature collection is going well here. I just need more feathers..
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Car Ride (flash fiction)
"I never mentioned this to anyone, but you came up the night he and I fought," She said. "He said he knew that we were still talking. I admitted we were-"
"How could he know?" I interrupted. "He could have been testing you."
"It really doesn't matter," She shot back, "I wouldn't want to lie anyway."
"Right."
A pause.
"So I admitted that we were still talking, but that there was nothing more between us."
I lowered my head at that. She undid us with a sentence; quickly taking the air from me and quieting the foreign pop song in the background. The way She speaks has the impact of effectively silencing opposition, as if Her final words leave no room for other alternatives. I generally accept Her words.
My head lowers because of the past She denies, though for good reason. For my innocence and lack of understanding in the situation. For my selfishness which is a constant obstacle keeping me from truly grasping and helping Her; though I don't even know if She needs or wants my help. She is strong on Her own, or wears the guise well.
I raise my head once more and glance at Her. She hasn't noticed. We move past lightly lit business strips and pitch shadows slide over and hide Her face.
"How could he know?" I interrupted. "He could have been testing you."
"It really doesn't matter," She shot back, "I wouldn't want to lie anyway."
"Right."
A pause.
"So I admitted that we were still talking, but that there was nothing more between us."
I lowered my head at that. She undid us with a sentence; quickly taking the air from me and quieting the foreign pop song in the background. The way She speaks has the impact of effectively silencing opposition, as if Her final words leave no room for other alternatives. I generally accept Her words.
My head lowers because of the past She denies, though for good reason. For my innocence and lack of understanding in the situation. For my selfishness which is a constant obstacle keeping me from truly grasping and helping Her; though I don't even know if She needs or wants my help. She is strong on Her own, or wears the guise well.
I raise my head once more and glance at Her. She hasn't noticed. We move past lightly lit business strips and pitch shadows slide over and hide Her face.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Things of Adjustment
1. Mountain Time. I have an extra hour, people from Colorado don't. I don't plan on changing my watch or laptop time, this way I will feel like it's later and I will get things done quicker. It feels good always seeing the time and realizing I have more. I'm selfish about it.
2. Dryness. I'm drinking a lot more water in this higher elevation. During breakfast I drank a chai tea, then downed eight ounces of orange water (it doesn't qualify as juice) in one drink. Supposedly, I'll adjust and begin drinking a normal amount, but I see many students carrying water bottles everywhere.
3. Clouds. Speaking of elevation, the clouds are much closer and much more detailed than in Texas. I'm still amazed and point them out and the people around me don't see anything different about them. They are taken for granted.
4. Slang. I'm not used to the hipster slang used by many of the students here. In St. Louis everyone just spoke the generic understandable English. Here, I feel like I have to ask what people are exactly saying. I guess I'm just literal about these things.
5. I think I might apply for the Dining Services Advisory Council so I can influence the direction of the cafeterias.
2. Dryness. I'm drinking a lot more water in this higher elevation. During breakfast I drank a chai tea, then downed eight ounces of orange water (it doesn't qualify as juice) in one drink. Supposedly, I'll adjust and begin drinking a normal amount, but I see many students carrying water bottles everywhere.
3. Clouds. Speaking of elevation, the clouds are much closer and much more detailed than in Texas. I'm still amazed and point them out and the people around me don't see anything different about them. They are taken for granted.
4. Slang. I'm not used to the hipster slang used by many of the students here. In St. Louis everyone just spoke the generic understandable English. Here, I feel like I have to ask what people are exactly saying. I guess I'm just literal about these things.
5. I think I might apply for the Dining Services Advisory Council so I can influence the direction of the cafeterias.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
School Starts Tomorrow
The events this weekend have been interesting. I saw fire breathers/dancers, played laser tag, participated in human fuseball, general floor activities, and other things I can't remember because they went by so fast.
More people I've met: vegan Robyn who is a laid back girl, though not so much a hippie; cynical Dan; Celtic Liah; Jake; Jake from another hall who likes photography; Hannah who wears her heart on her sleeve; quiet Shea; sheltered Adam; bro John; Jayme; stand-offish Andrew; self-conscious Justin.
Justin is the first roommate I think I've been able to deal with. He still has the little quirks that are kind of odd and a little annoying, but I'm dealing with them surprisingly well, as he is with me. Perhaps I'm just thick-skinned to living in the same room with someone now.
School spirit and the anthems. The first day, they packed us in an auditorium decked out in the school colors and band and cheerleaders. And anthems were sung, some of which were essentially repeating "CSU is great" over and over. I understand the obsession with school loyalty about as much as I understand country loyalty. Sure there are distinct aspects which separate one school from another and one country from another, but I've never felt such loyalty as to fight for one particular place or institution over another. It kind of felt like a brainwashing of the freshman minds or a foundation being set up.
*****
Anyway, tonight I watched some friends try to slackline, which is setting a rope between two trees and trying to tightrope walk across it. While they did that, I climbed a couple trees and whistled at people which was a funny joke for a while. I want to climb to the top of one of the trees some free day.
Today was kind of a blah day; I just didn't feel all that into it. I took a tour of the campus and think I'll be able to find my buildings tomorrow. I bought a lab manual. I ate two meals, at odd times. I laid in grass. I texted Dandelion but she was giving me the short responses I should be able to recognize by now. I think she's still in the undulating stage of her life at the moment. She'll probably be there for a while, too, since she's figuring herself out. I believe that's very good; she needs some introspective time. I just hope she likes what she finds in the end.
I'll post pictures of the short hike we did yesterday, on Facebook.
More people I've met: vegan Robyn who is a laid back girl, though not so much a hippie; cynical Dan; Celtic Liah; Jake; Jake from another hall who likes photography; Hannah who wears her heart on her sleeve; quiet Shea; sheltered Adam; bro John; Jayme; stand-offish Andrew; self-conscious Justin.
Justin is the first roommate I think I've been able to deal with. He still has the little quirks that are kind of odd and a little annoying, but I'm dealing with them surprisingly well, as he is with me. Perhaps I'm just thick-skinned to living in the same room with someone now.
School spirit and the anthems. The first day, they packed us in an auditorium decked out in the school colors and band and cheerleaders. And anthems were sung, some of which were essentially repeating "CSU is great" over and over. I understand the obsession with school loyalty about as much as I understand country loyalty. Sure there are distinct aspects which separate one school from another and one country from another, but I've never felt such loyalty as to fight for one particular place or institution over another. It kind of felt like a brainwashing of the freshman minds or a foundation being set up.
*****
Anyway, tonight I watched some friends try to slackline, which is setting a rope between two trees and trying to tightrope walk across it. While they did that, I climbed a couple trees and whistled at people which was a funny joke for a while. I want to climb to the top of one of the trees some free day.
Today was kind of a blah day; I just didn't feel all that into it. I took a tour of the campus and think I'll be able to find my buildings tomorrow. I bought a lab manual. I ate two meals, at odd times. I laid in grass. I texted Dandelion but she was giving me the short responses I should be able to recognize by now. I think she's still in the undulating stage of her life at the moment. She'll probably be there for a while, too, since she's figuring herself out. I believe that's very good; she needs some introspective time. I just hope she likes what she finds in the end.
I'll post pictures of the short hike we did yesterday, on Facebook.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Summer Skin/Arrival
Some more things from the drive, including the last hundred miles into campus on Thursday:
1. Bug death; each time I got gas I cleaned the windshield and right when I started driving again, bugs cast themselves against the glass. I do believe there is a way of flying which spares most of them, but then again, it would be the way the current flows over the car at that time. At the same time, I passed through a butterfly meadow and they smacked left and right, leaving smears of body on the shield. The 18-wheeler in front of me left a road covered in cloudless sulphers (probably) which would flutter their one working wing. I hope they didn't suffer long. That's the first time I've been down a road with so much insect life in it.
2. Then there's the oversize load vehicles carrying huge empty spools, or giant spheres, or vats of pickles or something. They're never very obvious as to what they belong to as a whole. Sometimes I wonder if the government is building something and they increased the proportions so that it wouldn't be obvious as to what it is in part.
*****
I got in and there was heavy traffic because the town is small and the lanes are few. After some hours in line, I swirled around and got a spot in the lot next to my dorm. Moved in with my roommate and his father's help.
The dorm is a single room. We got lucky and ended up next to a janitorial closet, so its just a two person room with its own bathroom. The shower is large. The mirror and sink are directly next to the door when you enter. There is a housekeeping service once a week.
There was some programming and food and a carnival. Basically everyone I met is a freshman, I haven't come across any dorm-living transfers or upper classmen. The group I was hanging out with found out I was 21 (even though I openly mentioned it) and sort of teased me about hanging out with them. So I chill-ly asked why it mattered since I was new. I don't think I'll live in dorms after this year ends.
The days are warm and the nights are very cool and I've seen clouds in such detail I had never seen in Texas. There are very many trees here and one spot called "Sherwood Forest" which contains a specimen of every native tree in Colorado.
The cafeterias are all-you-can-eat madness. Swarms mobbing counters and grabbing seats. It will be interesting to see the dynamic once people get into their school schedules and can't eat as a floor any longer.
I'm still waiting to sign up for my calculus class so I can go buy the material, hopefully before the first day of class. I met a girl named Carly whom I vaguely remembered from the lame meet the hall activity. She seems pretty hippie-ish, but I don't really know her yet. Also, another girl named Shannon keeps popping up. Since it's impossible to find people on facebook without a last name, I'm going to get numbers.
Today I got lost, as I'm sure I will much more often. It was after the major fair where I learned both philosophy and English departments have a lack of clubs to join. Then on the way to the dorm I got lost and found one of the guys from behind the philosophy table who is a grad student who gets free housing and class in exchange for TA duties. So we discussed philosophy and got on the topic of ethnobotanicals and schizophrenics and the such. He has a curly beard.
So, here's some more pictures from the road and my side of the dorm:
1. Bug death; each time I got gas I cleaned the windshield and right when I started driving again, bugs cast themselves against the glass. I do believe there is a way of flying which spares most of them, but then again, it would be the way the current flows over the car at that time. At the same time, I passed through a butterfly meadow and they smacked left and right, leaving smears of body on the shield. The 18-wheeler in front of me left a road covered in cloudless sulphers (probably) which would flutter their one working wing. I hope they didn't suffer long. That's the first time I've been down a road with so much insect life in it.
2. Then there's the oversize load vehicles carrying huge empty spools, or giant spheres, or vats of pickles or something. They're never very obvious as to what they belong to as a whole. Sometimes I wonder if the government is building something and they increased the proportions so that it wouldn't be obvious as to what it is in part.
*****
I got in and there was heavy traffic because the town is small and the lanes are few. After some hours in line, I swirled around and got a spot in the lot next to my dorm. Moved in with my roommate and his father's help.
The dorm is a single room. We got lucky and ended up next to a janitorial closet, so its just a two person room with its own bathroom. The shower is large. The mirror and sink are directly next to the door when you enter. There is a housekeeping service once a week.
There was some programming and food and a carnival. Basically everyone I met is a freshman, I haven't come across any dorm-living transfers or upper classmen. The group I was hanging out with found out I was 21 (even though I openly mentioned it) and sort of teased me about hanging out with them. So I chill-ly asked why it mattered since I was new. I don't think I'll live in dorms after this year ends.
The days are warm and the nights are very cool and I've seen clouds in such detail I had never seen in Texas. There are very many trees here and one spot called "Sherwood Forest" which contains a specimen of every native tree in Colorado.
The cafeterias are all-you-can-eat madness. Swarms mobbing counters and grabbing seats. It will be interesting to see the dynamic once people get into their school schedules and can't eat as a floor any longer.
I'm still waiting to sign up for my calculus class so I can go buy the material, hopefully before the first day of class. I met a girl named Carly whom I vaguely remembered from the lame meet the hall activity. She seems pretty hippie-ish, but I don't really know her yet. Also, another girl named Shannon keeps popping up. Since it's impossible to find people on facebook without a last name, I'm going to get numbers.
Today I got lost, as I'm sure I will much more often. It was after the major fair where I learned both philosophy and English departments have a lack of clubs to join. Then on the way to the dorm I got lost and found one of the guys from behind the philosophy table who is a grad student who gets free housing and class in exchange for TA duties. So we discussed philosophy and got on the topic of ethnobotanicals and schizophrenics and the such. He has a curly beard.
So, here's some more pictures from the road and my side of the dorm:
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Leaving
Currently listening to:
Mrs. Cold
Kings of Convenience
Last night I packed fully. It's strange how easy it is to not pack when you're nervous about leaving.
Then I woke up at 7 AM and loaded the car. I've seen so much in such a short time that I stopped seeing. It will probably be easier to do minor summaries. I phrased everything very well in my head while driving, but now I'm tired so I'll do my best.
Rubber debris blackens the road in front of me so I know a tire burst at some point. The 18-wheeler in front of me edges off the road, one of the front tires missing its rubber, the steel scraping along.
18-wheelers, like giant chess pieces, careen by, swirling the air into a fist which rips past me and sounds like a sword slicing through thick fabric.
A highway was under repair. One of the two lanes was being replaced so both directions of traffic had to take turns on 6.5 miles of one lane. Those not in the front had little idea what they were waiting for.
I pass little towns less and less frequently. Despite it being the middle of the week and in the afternoon, most stores are closed. These far in between towns are the only available refueling points between the large cities. Honestly it felt like they were dying; they shrivel up with the economy and those that can get away go to the concentrated large cities. What this means for people trying to travel in the sparse West, I'm not sure.
The landscape of the high plains of Texas was surprisingly hilly with tree clusters. This turned into flatland which turned into a sort of grassland with plateaus. The scarcity of humanity crept up on my after a time and were it not for my phone, I might have gone crazy. The lack of towns and the vastness of nature greatly unnerved me and at times I thought it would go on forever. Signs were also absent, as if those living out here don't think in terms of miles.
By the end of the day I had driven twelve hours and probably an extra seventy-five miles than planned, looking for a suitable motel. Everyone stopped texting me since I'd pestered them all day. They got me through the day, though - so thanks, guys! The sky at the end of the day was full of cirrus and stratus clouds which looked like innumerable fish skeletons on the horizon.
Tomorrow I move into CSU. Crap.
Mrs. Cold
Kings of Convenience
Last night I packed fully. It's strange how easy it is to not pack when you're nervous about leaving.
Then I woke up at 7 AM and loaded the car. I've seen so much in such a short time that I stopped seeing. It will probably be easier to do minor summaries. I phrased everything very well in my head while driving, but now I'm tired so I'll do my best.
Rubber debris blackens the road in front of me so I know a tire burst at some point. The 18-wheeler in front of me edges off the road, one of the front tires missing its rubber, the steel scraping along.
18-wheelers, like giant chess pieces, careen by, swirling the air into a fist which rips past me and sounds like a sword slicing through thick fabric.
A highway was under repair. One of the two lanes was being replaced so both directions of traffic had to take turns on 6.5 miles of one lane. Those not in the front had little idea what they were waiting for.
I pass little towns less and less frequently. Despite it being the middle of the week and in the afternoon, most stores are closed. These far in between towns are the only available refueling points between the large cities. Honestly it felt like they were dying; they shrivel up with the economy and those that can get away go to the concentrated large cities. What this means for people trying to travel in the sparse West, I'm not sure.
The landscape of the high plains of Texas was surprisingly hilly with tree clusters. This turned into flatland which turned into a sort of grassland with plateaus. The scarcity of humanity crept up on my after a time and were it not for my phone, I might have gone crazy. The lack of towns and the vastness of nature greatly unnerved me and at times I thought it would go on forever. Signs were also absent, as if those living out here don't think in terms of miles.
By the end of the day I had driven twelve hours and probably an extra seventy-five miles than planned, looking for a suitable motel. Everyone stopped texting me since I'd pestered them all day. They got me through the day, though - so thanks, guys! The sky at the end of the day was full of cirrus and stratus clouds which looked like innumerable fish skeletons on the horizon.
Tomorrow I move into CSU. Crap.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Short Johns
Today was a sort of "get things for college" day, though I didn't really think I needed anything more than what I brought home from Webster. Mostly we tried to get car stuff and things for transporting bedding easily.
My mom took me to REI for winter wear, as if I need more than the coats and jackets I already have. Maybe I do. I got under gloves which give my hands a double layer. I also got this silk, long-sleeve undershirt deal that's supposed to keep me warm somehow - it's like a piece of paper in thickness.. Also, I got long johns! Talk about strange inventions. It's thin yet it supposed to keep me warm; I don't get it. It's kind of like wearing tights that don't go all the way to the shoes. I asked my mom if I was supposed to look like an elf which them on, but she didn't answer, she just laughed. Strangely enough, they come with a slot in the front for peeing, so I wonder if they make another type specifically for women. If I were a lady I wouldn't want to have to buy long johns with a vent for cold air to enter, if I didn't need said vent!
I really must finish packing. I leave in a little over a day. Crazy. I might get to hang out with dandelion one last time if she's feeling up to it.
My mom took me to REI for winter wear, as if I need more than the coats and jackets I already have. Maybe I do. I got under gloves which give my hands a double layer. I also got this silk, long-sleeve undershirt deal that's supposed to keep me warm somehow - it's like a piece of paper in thickness.. Also, I got long johns! Talk about strange inventions. It's thin yet it supposed to keep me warm; I don't get it. It's kind of like wearing tights that don't go all the way to the shoes. I asked my mom if I was supposed to look like an elf which them on, but she didn't answer, she just laughed. Strangely enough, they come with a slot in the front for peeing, so I wonder if they make another type specifically for women. If I were a lady I wouldn't want to have to buy long johns with a vent for cold air to enter, if I didn't need said vent!
I really must finish packing. I leave in a little over a day. Crazy. I might get to hang out with dandelion one last time if she's feeling up to it.
Down in Front
Saturday night was a movie: drive-in Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark at Half Price Books. Alberto, Jonathan, Pablo, and Ron came over and we went to centennial to buy lots of girly drinks that would both get us drunk and taste good all the while. Pablo wanted vodka, though. I don't know about Pablo sometimes.
"Once more, Indiana Jones, we come to find that there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."
Mid-way through the movie Phillip showed up and dropped off a bottle of wine and ran away, so I had to hide it for the rest of the movie.
Afterward we went to Denny's for the usual meal. Alberto brought one of those alligator toys where you press teeth down one at a time and one tooth will make it bite you. So that was our Monopoly replacement for the night. After that, we retired to my backyard with the cooler and lit the tiki lamps that would light. Jonathan only had one drink and left, he's still a beginner by choice. The rest of us became much unsober and discussed trivial things like relationships and reality. I tried Phillip's $3 orange wine which smelled like an icey pop. Promptly I spit it out and passed it around the circle. Everyone but Jonathan spit it out; I don't think he got a suitable amount in his mouth, or he faked it. I can't tell.
*****
Yesterday, because it's now after midnight, I started going over what I've packed and Perryl came over with some sweet rice. We played Halo 1. Every time friends come over we end up playing the original Halo because it's all I have and it never gets old. It's sort of a tradition now. I should sell all that stuff while it's worth something.. But then all we'd have to play is the alligator game!
When Perryl ran off to get ready to go back to College Station, My parents and I went to eat dinner with Jonathan and his parents at the Meddlesome Moth. It's a weird dive with art and stained glass from the Hard Rock Cafe. Basically it's a place to get beers of all sorts and the food is sort of appetizer in setup. I think the chefs must have been tired because one of our dishes was served twice and we got two rounds of the same desserts, all for free. It's probably good that that happened because the bill came to $180 for six people. I have to say I haven't felt that full in a long time; it's kind of uncomfortable. My mom thought it would be Dutch treat, but then my dad kept denying them splitting the check even though he wanted Dutch as well. I really don't get them some time. My dad can be pretty ridiculous when he isn't allowed to treat people, or maybe it's when they want to treat him. Eh.
"Once more, Indiana Jones, we come to find that there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."
Mid-way through the movie Phillip showed up and dropped off a bottle of wine and ran away, so I had to hide it for the rest of the movie.
Afterward we went to Denny's for the usual meal. Alberto brought one of those alligator toys where you press teeth down one at a time and one tooth will make it bite you. So that was our Monopoly replacement for the night. After that, we retired to my backyard with the cooler and lit the tiki lamps that would light. Jonathan only had one drink and left, he's still a beginner by choice. The rest of us became much unsober and discussed trivial things like relationships and reality. I tried Phillip's $3 orange wine which smelled like an icey pop. Promptly I spit it out and passed it around the circle. Everyone but Jonathan spit it out; I don't think he got a suitable amount in his mouth, or he faked it. I can't tell.
*****
Yesterday, because it's now after midnight, I started going over what I've packed and Perryl came over with some sweet rice. We played Halo 1. Every time friends come over we end up playing the original Halo because it's all I have and it never gets old. It's sort of a tradition now. I should sell all that stuff while it's worth something.. But then all we'd have to play is the alligator game!
When Perryl ran off to get ready to go back to College Station, My parents and I went to eat dinner with Jonathan and his parents at the Meddlesome Moth. It's a weird dive with art and stained glass from the Hard Rock Cafe. Basically it's a place to get beers of all sorts and the food is sort of appetizer in setup. I think the chefs must have been tired because one of our dishes was served twice and we got two rounds of the same desserts, all for free. It's probably good that that happened because the bill came to $180 for six people. I have to say I haven't felt that full in a long time; it's kind of uncomfortable. My mom thought it would be Dutch treat, but then my dad kept denying them splitting the check even though he wanted Dutch as well. I really don't get them some time. My dad can be pretty ridiculous when he isn't allowed to treat people, or maybe it's when they want to treat him. Eh.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Lying
Current mood:
Quiet
Lying is sort of a weird thing. It seems to be an action to me; to lie one must say something which isn't true, and know it isn't true. However, some say that silence can be a lie as well, hiding something. I'm not sure if they mean silence in response to a question, or just not bringing something up. If the latter is the case, I am guilty of lying to most people.
Actually, I don't think silence in regards to things not asked is lying. If it were and people wanted to be honest, everyone would have to speak constantly about every aspect of themselves to make sure all bases are covered. No, this must not be the case.
And I suppose not being specific in answering questions could be considered a half-truth, or maybe a half-lie. I think someone should be studying these aspects of lying rather than the "what does the brain do when someone lies" scientific thing.
For my part, I lie mostly about time, though not with most people. What I like to do is take all the events I do in a day and not mention them, so only I have them in mind. So let's say I clean my room and do several other things after that. The next day is a slow day and I only clean the shower and then read and write the rest of the time. If asked what I did that day, I would take the busy day and spill events over into the slow day. What's the point, you may ask? Well, by divvying up my tasks, I appear to be constantly moderately busy when in fact I'm having productive and unproductive days just like everyone else. I think I just don't want to seem lazy since I'm already spoiled and slow-moving as is.
*****
Writing-wise: I finished the flash fiction titled "Anita" and have a tentative complete copy of "Study of a Being." I want to do some more flash fiction work. I started rewriting the short I started long ago called "Piles," but I really need to continue working on my book. Hopefully I'll have time to write at CSU...
*****
I know I haven't started CSU yet, but since I'm done with Brookhaven and only have a few days for summer break, I don't think it's worth introducing the tag "summer days."
I leave four days from today.
Quiet
Lying is sort of a weird thing. It seems to be an action to me; to lie one must say something which isn't true, and know it isn't true. However, some say that silence can be a lie as well, hiding something. I'm not sure if they mean silence in response to a question, or just not bringing something up. If the latter is the case, I am guilty of lying to most people.
Actually, I don't think silence in regards to things not asked is lying. If it were and people wanted to be honest, everyone would have to speak constantly about every aspect of themselves to make sure all bases are covered. No, this must not be the case.
And I suppose not being specific in answering questions could be considered a half-truth, or maybe a half-lie. I think someone should be studying these aspects of lying rather than the "what does the brain do when someone lies" scientific thing.
For my part, I lie mostly about time, though not with most people. What I like to do is take all the events I do in a day and not mention them, so only I have them in mind. So let's say I clean my room and do several other things after that. The next day is a slow day and I only clean the shower and then read and write the rest of the time. If asked what I did that day, I would take the busy day and spill events over into the slow day. What's the point, you may ask? Well, by divvying up my tasks, I appear to be constantly moderately busy when in fact I'm having productive and unproductive days just like everyone else. I think I just don't want to seem lazy since I'm already spoiled and slow-moving as is.
*****
Writing-wise: I finished the flash fiction titled "Anita" and have a tentative complete copy of "Study of a Being." I want to do some more flash fiction work. I started rewriting the short I started long ago called "Piles," but I really need to continue working on my book. Hopefully I'll have time to write at CSU...
*****
I know I haven't started CSU yet, but since I'm done with Brookhaven and only have a few days for summer break, I don't think it's worth introducing the tag "summer days."
I leave four days from today.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Last Day of School
Currently reading:
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (Pt.2)
Jules Verne
I took both tests today. It was really hot in the car so I gave up on studying and just walked in. Having said that, I believe I have an A in college algebra. Because the final was multiple choice, it didn't take much time and anyone who knows how to use a calculator could pass it.
Perryl couldn't come home today. He scheduled an adviser meeting for tomorrow rather than wait for school to start, so he should be home tomorrow afternoon. I didn't know what to do after that so I organized all the internet pictures I've collected. I cleaned my room and bathroom for the last time.
I started talking to Kellye again the other day. Apparently she's been thinking about establishing contact for a while but thought I was angry from back then. So, now that we're both more mature, we'll see how this goes.
I'm almost done implementing some of the edits Jonathan did to my short story. I'm thinking of quickly pulling out a flash fiction which is a story in a hundred words or less. I don't remember seeing one before so I'm not exactly sure how they're supposed to work - to what scope.
Here's what my parents do to prepare me for tests:
Merle is very lady-like:
I think I'm going to leave for Colorado Wednesday morning instead of Tuesday.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (Pt.2)
Jules Verne
I took both tests today. It was really hot in the car so I gave up on studying and just walked in. Having said that, I believe I have an A in college algebra. Because the final was multiple choice, it didn't take much time and anyone who knows how to use a calculator could pass it.
Perryl couldn't come home today. He scheduled an adviser meeting for tomorrow rather than wait for school to start, so he should be home tomorrow afternoon. I didn't know what to do after that so I organized all the internet pictures I've collected. I cleaned my room and bathroom for the last time.
I started talking to Kellye again the other day. Apparently she's been thinking about establishing contact for a while but thought I was angry from back then. So, now that we're both more mature, we'll see how this goes.
I'm almost done implementing some of the edits Jonathan did to my short story. I'm thinking of quickly pulling out a flash fiction which is a story in a hundred words or less. I don't remember seeing one before so I'm not exactly sure how they're supposed to work - to what scope.
Here's what my parents do to prepare me for tests:
Merle is very lady-like:
I think I'm going to leave for Colorado Wednesday morning instead of Tuesday.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Read Me Until I'm Read
Today I ran along to Dandelion's workplace for lunch. It was a pretty long and confusing drive out where there are a lot of fields and, of course, she out-directed the GPS. I snagged her and we ran off to a food conglomeration whence we found Taco Cabana. They DID NOT have fish tacos, but I'm glad I got to avoid eating meat today. She got some chip and dip deal and I got a burrito and a taco, which ended up being like the burrito except harder to eat and with everything flying out of it.
After leaving, we went to this nearby nature preserve of which I can't remember the name. I brought my magic briefcase of games and we chessed like there's no tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow. I kept overlooking all these obvious moves and she lowered her game to be on my level because that's how she is: self-sacrificing. I really do prefer to be beaten; then I know everyone was doing their best.
And she fixed up my turkey feather! I can't remember the term she actually said - something like "pimp your feather." I don't know. So now we both have feathers hanging from the windshield mirror, soaring on currents of A/C air. I now see why turkeys do not fly.
So we hanged out at her workplace which was abandoned. I do not know how she coordinates three businesses worth of employees and orders. She really underplays what she does.
I gave her the new Andrew Bird CD and a permanent wish (an oak gall of which I peeled the outer layer off). I don't think it turned out as permanent as I'd hoped, but better than I'd expected.
Then I went to class and found out the fourth test and final are on due tomorrow, so that's what I'm doing before Perryl gets in. Hopefully tomorrow night he and I and Jonathan will get together and see some weird bar. Hopefully before I leave I will see dandelion again.
Less than a week left...
P.S. Dandelion, they cut down that tree by the entrance of Brookhaven where I fell in the bed of wild carrot. The limbs are everywhere. If only wood could bleed.
After leaving, we went to this nearby nature preserve of which I can't remember the name. I brought my magic briefcase of games and we chessed like there's no tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow. I kept overlooking all these obvious moves and she lowered her game to be on my level because that's how she is: self-sacrificing. I really do prefer to be beaten; then I know everyone was doing their best.
And she fixed up my turkey feather! I can't remember the term she actually said - something like "pimp your feather." I don't know. So now we both have feathers hanging from the windshield mirror, soaring on currents of A/C air. I now see why turkeys do not fly.
So we hanged out at her workplace which was abandoned. I do not know how she coordinates three businesses worth of employees and orders. She really underplays what she does.
I gave her the new Andrew Bird CD and a permanent wish (an oak gall of which I peeled the outer layer off). I don't think it turned out as permanent as I'd hoped, but better than I'd expected.
Then I went to class and found out the fourth test and final are on due tomorrow, so that's what I'm doing before Perryl gets in. Hopefully tomorrow night he and I and Jonathan will get together and see some weird bar. Hopefully before I leave I will see dandelion again.
Less than a week left...
P.S. Dandelion, they cut down that tree by the entrance of Brookhaven where I fell in the bed of wild carrot. The limbs are everywhere. If only wood could bleed.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'm Disillusioned
Currently listening to:
Do You Realize?
Flaming Lips
So last night, I met Kayla at White Rock Lake and we talked and drank champagne. The field wasn't foggy like last time, I guess it's a thing of the seasons. Anyway, it was humid and warm and I felt all sticky. Kayla and I tried to figure out the back seats of my car since I haven't really had to deal with them at all. By 2 AM I was just mush in consciousness, so Kayla decided it was time to go.
*****
Theeen, in the morning I awoke to a ticket on my windshield. An hour after I got home, some cop charged me for parking the wrong way on a street. I wasn't aware I could park wrong and not feel like something was wrong! It truly is a BS non-moving rule since parking either way doesn't hinder other drivers. So now I know something that should have been taught to me in Driver's Ed. I think they should do warnings before punishing, especially since cops patrol our neighborhood every night and I've been parking the same way since I got the car.
I went to get Jonathan so he could be moral support as I got my passport papers turned in. Turns out everything my mom had printed was out of date, so I transcribed and found out passports aren't $97 anymore; they are $110 plus $25 processing. Of course, it's not that simple; the $110 had to be on a check, while the $25 had to be in cash. Seems very unsafe to be dealing with cash.
I feel pilfered and I assume this is how adults feel everyday. Each time I get punished without warning, I just become totally apathetic. We need money to live in the current society, but the society actively sucks money out of us for small insignificant things. Really: who cares which direction my car faces on a two-way street?
We left for Kayla's and I realized that we had left the outdated forms on the bench and it had my SSN on it with every other detail of my life. So I called the office once we got to Kayla's and was put on hold. For the next ten minutes visions of Mexicans flooding into the country under my identity (a running joke for the rest of the day) flashed before my eyes, until someone answered. I told the guy to burn the papers, but he shredded them instead.
The three of us went to El Fenix, the second time for me recently. I had a margarita that was three times stronger than previous ones, but I also had an empty stomach except for the mounds of chips and tortillas I ate. I swear I will never eat at any of those affiliated restaurants as long as I remember. So I stumbled out and we watched Cheaters at Kayla's for a while. I swear I will not watch TV as long as I remember.
Then I skipped class. School in a week. I'm scared.
Do You Realize?
Flaming Lips
So last night, I met Kayla at White Rock Lake and we talked and drank champagne. The field wasn't foggy like last time, I guess it's a thing of the seasons. Anyway, it was humid and warm and I felt all sticky. Kayla and I tried to figure out the back seats of my car since I haven't really had to deal with them at all. By 2 AM I was just mush in consciousness, so Kayla decided it was time to go.
*****
Theeen, in the morning I awoke to a ticket on my windshield. An hour after I got home, some cop charged me for parking the wrong way on a street. I wasn't aware I could park wrong and not feel like something was wrong! It truly is a BS non-moving rule since parking either way doesn't hinder other drivers. So now I know something that should have been taught to me in Driver's Ed. I think they should do warnings before punishing, especially since cops patrol our neighborhood every night and I've been parking the same way since I got the car.
I went to get Jonathan so he could be moral support as I got my passport papers turned in. Turns out everything my mom had printed was out of date, so I transcribed and found out passports aren't $97 anymore; they are $110 plus $25 processing. Of course, it's not that simple; the $110 had to be on a check, while the $25 had to be in cash. Seems very unsafe to be dealing with cash.
I feel pilfered and I assume this is how adults feel everyday. Each time I get punished without warning, I just become totally apathetic. We need money to live in the current society, but the society actively sucks money out of us for small insignificant things. Really: who cares which direction my car faces on a two-way street?
We left for Kayla's and I realized that we had left the outdated forms on the bench and it had my SSN on it with every other detail of my life. So I called the office once we got to Kayla's and was put on hold. For the next ten minutes visions of Mexicans flooding into the country under my identity (a running joke for the rest of the day) flashed before my eyes, until someone answered. I told the guy to burn the papers, but he shredded them instead.
The three of us went to El Fenix, the second time for me recently. I had a margarita that was three times stronger than previous ones, but I also had an empty stomach except for the mounds of chips and tortillas I ate. I swear I will never eat at any of those affiliated restaurants as long as I remember. So I stumbled out and we watched Cheaters at Kayla's for a while. I swear I will not watch TV as long as I remember.
Then I skipped class. School in a week. I'm scared.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
A Couple Pasts
A replacement battery I ordered came in yesterday. I tried it in my phone with and without the power cord and each time the screen said "Please use genuine battery. Shutting down." I'm not sure what this means since both batteries look identical. How would a phone know the difference between batteries? How does it know the word 'genuine'? Strange stuff. I guess it's just a dud, so I'll have to arrange an exchange.
My parents seemed tired today. I think they were made tired by going grocery shopping and getting gas. I'm pretty sure they don't like the way the US is headed, the commercialism. I kind of feel the same way, but I keep a gentle air about me. People should be more like water.
*****
I was remembering my high school trip to New York today. It's such a big, dirty, restless place; though also very diverse and eclectic. Perhaps I was mostly impressed by the use of light - I like light - but when I remember the family trips in an RV and the small old-fashioned town and the endless unwinding road that pierced through its heart, New York doesn't stand a chance. An open sky clear of man's architectural marvels, where stars can shine, impress me far more than any big city. I speak from the standpoint of one unaccustomed to it, though.
*****
I'm basically done with a tentative short story I've been wracking myself with. I think I'll call it "Study of a Being," and let Jonathan edit it before tossing it aside for some months.
My parents seemed tired today. I think they were made tired by going grocery shopping and getting gas. I'm pretty sure they don't like the way the US is headed, the commercialism. I kind of feel the same way, but I keep a gentle air about me. People should be more like water.
*****
I was remembering my high school trip to New York today. It's such a big, dirty, restless place; though also very diverse and eclectic. Perhaps I was mostly impressed by the use of light - I like light - but when I remember the family trips in an RV and the small old-fashioned town and the endless unwinding road that pierced through its heart, New York doesn't stand a chance. An open sky clear of man's architectural marvels, where stars can shine, impress me far more than any big city. I speak from the standpoint of one unaccustomed to it, though.
*****
I'm basically done with a tentative short story I've been wracking myself with. I think I'll call it "Study of a Being," and let Jonathan edit it before tossing it aside for some months.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
"You gotta pay attention to these things."
That's what I say quite often. There's a lot of detail that is overlooked by most people because the source may not apply to their lives, or something. For instance, tonight at a restaurant I saw this couple that seemed like they were from the past, maybe thirty or forty years ago, and were in the present time, wearing modern clothes, trying to pass themselves off at modern Americans. My mom said there was nothing unusual about them, though. Other people didn't give them a second glance; they were outside their lives, their night plans.
I always say "you have to pay attention to these things" because, if not you, then who? I'm sure another person may notice, but there's no way for you to know that. So take in the human condition and maybe write a little about it, just action for action, through your lens.
*****
Last night I went out with Jonathan and Kayla. We went to this 24hour foodspot. Jonathan and Kayla wanted to sit outside because it was too cold inside, so I had to sacrifice atmosphere. They even had live music inside!
I got cactus! I believe the dish is called nopales and it came with black beans and eggs. The other two got some sort of french toast deal. A guy sat alone at the table next to ours, I think listening to our childish banter about theatre and life. I wonder about the people that come out late at night and sit alone drinking coffee. Where are they coming from and going to? Is it a matter of sleep trouble? I guess I might be one someday, but I hope I can do it with a friend.
*****
Today was the bbq to finish the AmeriCorps period. I turned in my last time sheet and I'm done! This girl, Hannah, whom I haven't seen since the initial training, and Chris were my buddies from 8:30-1:15. Then we parted.
There were many veggie burgers, which was good - I'm glad they took note from last time. They also had this bag of mixed snacks and on the back it had an ingredient list for all five different things in it. Of course I showed this to the interns I worked with and we all had a good laugh about how ridiculous I am. I was feeling very loose at the bbq and Hannah said she didn't know anyone quite like me. That's probably a good thing.
I always say "you have to pay attention to these things" because, if not you, then who? I'm sure another person may notice, but there's no way for you to know that. So take in the human condition and maybe write a little about it, just action for action, through your lens.
*****
Last night I went out with Jonathan and Kayla. We went to this 24hour foodspot. Jonathan and Kayla wanted to sit outside because it was too cold inside, so I had to sacrifice atmosphere. They even had live music inside!
I got cactus! I believe the dish is called nopales and it came with black beans and eggs. The other two got some sort of french toast deal. A guy sat alone at the table next to ours, I think listening to our childish banter about theatre and life. I wonder about the people that come out late at night and sit alone drinking coffee. Where are they coming from and going to? Is it a matter of sleep trouble? I guess I might be one someday, but I hope I can do it with a friend.
*****
Today was the bbq to finish the AmeriCorps period. I turned in my last time sheet and I'm done! This girl, Hannah, whom I haven't seen since the initial training, and Chris were my buddies from 8:30-1:15. Then we parted.
There were many veggie burgers, which was good - I'm glad they took note from last time. They also had this bag of mixed snacks and on the back it had an ingredient list for all five different things in it. Of course I showed this to the interns I worked with and we all had a good laugh about how ridiculous I am. I was feeling very loose at the bbq and Hannah said she didn't know anyone quite like me. That's probably a good thing.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Last Day of Work
Currently reading:
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (pt.1)
Jules Verne
Today was the last day of the internship. It was mostly a hangout day until the other interns and supervisors returned. Then us AmeriCorps people gave out presentations. The supervisor was very sneaky about it, I don't think any of us realized that the others had projects and that we were building toward a day of presentations. I was right when I said our going away party was a final bout of work. The pizza and coffee cake were good, though.
The whole deal was like my sister's graduation, we went up one at a time and something was said about each of us. Mine was that I take pride in what I work on and put in a full effort and was a strong leader in projects. Then we all got goodies: patch, hat, mug, a copy of Last Child in the Woods (which is a good book I've been waiting to get). The supervisor was tearing up by the end of it. I guess it's kind of like having children grow up and go off to college, not having their soft footfalls on the floor - except all those years go by in a ten week period.
Before I left, I jumped in the electric go-cart with two of the younger interns who know how to drive very fast, drift, and not go off a cliff. A couple times, young trees or tall grass was run down which caused some disagreement amongst us. Then we got to a gated off area and quickly turned into a wild area very overgrown. Large branches jumped up at us and giant ragweed were mowed down in a way very reminiscent of running over people in video games. At one point, a big ripe bur plant was hiding behind some vegetation we drove over and it exploded over the front of the cart, covering each of us in the seeds. I'm glad I got out shortly after that.
*****
Something I've noticed with many of the girls I try to hangout with is their claim of indecision. Someone can leave the day up to them and they say "whatever you want to do" or "I'm not picky" or any variation. I really do not believe there's nothing they care a great deal to do. Maybe it's some sort of gender deal, following along with the male figure's point of direction. I'm not sure. I always wait for a decision on the girls' part, and if they don't make one we sit where we are and talk. Then again, if I'm always waiting for them to make a decision perhaps I'm the indecisive one.
Nah, I can come up with what I like to do.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (pt.1)
Jules Verne
Today was the last day of the internship. It was mostly a hangout day until the other interns and supervisors returned. Then us AmeriCorps people gave out presentations. The supervisor was very sneaky about it, I don't think any of us realized that the others had projects and that we were building toward a day of presentations. I was right when I said our going away party was a final bout of work. The pizza and coffee cake were good, though.
The whole deal was like my sister's graduation, we went up one at a time and something was said about each of us. Mine was that I take pride in what I work on and put in a full effort and was a strong leader in projects. Then we all got goodies: patch, hat, mug, a copy of Last Child in the Woods (which is a good book I've been waiting to get). The supervisor was tearing up by the end of it. I guess it's kind of like having children grow up and go off to college, not having their soft footfalls on the floor - except all those years go by in a ten week period.
Before I left, I jumped in the electric go-cart with two of the younger interns who know how to drive very fast, drift, and not go off a cliff. A couple times, young trees or tall grass was run down which caused some disagreement amongst us. Then we got to a gated off area and quickly turned into a wild area very overgrown. Large branches jumped up at us and giant ragweed were mowed down in a way very reminiscent of running over people in video games. At one point, a big ripe bur plant was hiding behind some vegetation we drove over and it exploded over the front of the cart, covering each of us in the seeds. I'm glad I got out shortly after that.
*****
Something I've noticed with many of the girls I try to hangout with is their claim of indecision. Someone can leave the day up to them and they say "whatever you want to do" or "I'm not picky" or any variation. I really do not believe there's nothing they care a great deal to do. Maybe it's some sort of gender deal, following along with the male figure's point of direction. I'm not sure. I always wait for a decision on the girls' part, and if they don't make one we sit where we are and talk. Then again, if I'm always waiting for them to make a decision perhaps I'm the indecisive one.
Nah, I can come up with what I like to do.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
She Wrote the Prologue to the Rest of My Life
Currently listening to:
Fillmore Jive
Pavement
So ends another chapter in my life; or maybe the chapter is still going. I no longer know because I'm still living in it. What I do know is a transition has happened, a conclusion has been reached. It's like a well-written book: the end comes gradually and you accept it - there's nothing else you can do. The characters and tales will be missed. It's not a dead-end ending or one that leaves the reader perturbed, it is comfortable and quiet.
What I'm vaguely alluding to is a period of cheating in my life which has ended. I'm no longer as tightly entangled in Dandelion's relationship - not "the other guy" anymore. I understand her wanting to see what more can happen with her relationship, that's her story. I'll continue writing mine; including my book, the story of everyone. I don't know how to capture all these feelings, so I'm just throwing in bits and pieces.
In the end, this is probably the right thing for the time. Being picked up and set back down, the nausea of a roller coaster, is no way to live. These pains temper me, and now I have a release. I hope she holds me as a bird, loose but not so loose that I fly away, so that if she ever turns around I'll be there, somewhat familiar.
To my future self:
I hope you don't need reminding, but remember she's done more for you in one summer than any of the previous relationships. Despite the unforeseen "break-up," you are much stronger than you were, perhaps even more certain of who you are and who you want to be. I hope you stayed in touch with her.
On another note, I remember that gut wrenching feeling of break-ups from the beginning of everything. It seems after a succession of them, the feeling becomes a dull ache instead of the burning-stop-eating-it's -all-over feeling and that is called "becoming stronger." That more children didn't commit suicide in the throes of those first break-ups always surprised me. It's sort of like the survival of the fittest of relationships.
She said she wants to return all the letters I gave her, but keep the artful things. I understand the risk in harboring them and her desire to have me as her best kept secret without physical evidence lying around, but I'm just not sure. If it's this or her burning them, I guess I'll hold onto them until she's ready to take them back. I just may charge interest!
There are two moments of relief I have experienced recently: the first is this release; the second is when I realized there was nothing I could give her that she didn't already have. I have no poetic way to describe the feeling of that weight lifting off of me. I had permission to be me and not try to live up to anything, and maybe that has eased this release. I think that is the attitude that should be sought after in relationships; two people being together, not expecting anything, - that's love.
Part of me misses the shenanigans of the first meetings but maybe those become prime numbers as the relationship deepens. I really will miss the adventures and the ones that won't ever seem to finish, though maybe there will be time for them someday? I'm just glad to have her for a best friend and provide her with a close friend. Perhaps someday we'll walk the same path in step, or at least speak in the old terms in the open.
I could go on and on - that's just the effect she has on me - but I'll stop. I know this sounds very final, but it's actually just a beginning.
Fillmore Jive
Pavement
So ends another chapter in my life; or maybe the chapter is still going. I no longer know because I'm still living in it. What I do know is a transition has happened, a conclusion has been reached. It's like a well-written book: the end comes gradually and you accept it - there's nothing else you can do. The characters and tales will be missed. It's not a dead-end ending or one that leaves the reader perturbed, it is comfortable and quiet.
What I'm vaguely alluding to is a period of cheating in my life which has ended. I'm no longer as tightly entangled in Dandelion's relationship - not "the other guy" anymore. I understand her wanting to see what more can happen with her relationship, that's her story. I'll continue writing mine; including my book, the story of everyone. I don't know how to capture all these feelings, so I'm just throwing in bits and pieces.
In the end, this is probably the right thing for the time. Being picked up and set back down, the nausea of a roller coaster, is no way to live. These pains temper me, and now I have a release. I hope she holds me as a bird, loose but not so loose that I fly away, so that if she ever turns around I'll be there, somewhat familiar.
To my future self:
I hope you don't need reminding, but remember she's done more for you in one summer than any of the previous relationships. Despite the unforeseen "break-up," you are much stronger than you were, perhaps even more certain of who you are and who you want to be. I hope you stayed in touch with her.
On another note, I remember that gut wrenching feeling of break-ups from the beginning of everything. It seems after a succession of them, the feeling becomes a dull ache instead of the burning-stop-eating-it's -all-over feeling and that is called "becoming stronger." That more children didn't commit suicide in the throes of those first break-ups always surprised me. It's sort of like the survival of the fittest of relationships.
She said she wants to return all the letters I gave her, but keep the artful things. I understand the risk in harboring them and her desire to have me as her best kept secret without physical evidence lying around, but I'm just not sure. If it's this or her burning them, I guess I'll hold onto them until she's ready to take them back. I just may charge interest!
There are two moments of relief I have experienced recently: the first is this release; the second is when I realized there was nothing I could give her that she didn't already have. I have no poetic way to describe the feeling of that weight lifting off of me. I had permission to be me and not try to live up to anything, and maybe that has eased this release. I think that is the attitude that should be sought after in relationships; two people being together, not expecting anything, - that's love.
Part of me misses the shenanigans of the first meetings but maybe those become prime numbers as the relationship deepens. I really will miss the adventures and the ones that won't ever seem to finish, though maybe there will be time for them someday? I'm just glad to have her for a best friend and provide her with a close friend. Perhaps someday we'll walk the same path in step, or at least speak in the old terms in the open.
I could go on and on - that's just the effect she has on me - but I'll stop. I know this sounds very final, but it's actually just a beginning.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Mirror Studies
I don't think this is something unique to me, but is something everyone does conscious or no. When I look in the mirror, at myself, I never fully see myself. I don't really look at myself to see myself, there's always some goal that narrows my vision. If I check my hair, I see that region; if I wash my face, I see spots one at a time. I think its interesting that I have a hard time taking in my complete physiognomy. If I didn't have the same trouble when looking at other people's faces, I might assume it was because I only look in a mirror once a day - inexperience.
Mirrors have been a big deal with writers, I think. There's something very unusual and unearthly about them. Reflections we can deal with, because they are only ghosts, phosphorescent memories; mirrors present the hard duplicate and bring up questions of reality. How can such a thin piece of material contain such depth of environment? How thin is the depth of our environment? I don't know, man.
Finally, there was this girl in a car at a stop light. She looked in the windshield mirror, perhaps directly at me, then at herself, checking her face for some bit of error. The windshield mirror filled entirely with her field-of-wheat golden hair as she turned her attention to the driver-side mirror. Not much fits in that mirror because of its enlarging quality, so I saw dark, curt sunglasses and lips held together and strays of blown hair. This mirror did not content her and she turned back to the windshield mirror to stare through me, then caress her hair. When she looked from the driver-side mirror, she turned towards it before turning the other direction, as if preparing for a running start. The slight turn caused a blinking of light as the sun's rays touched and became attached to the track of her nose ring. If it made a sound I imagine it would be like a sword sliding across a piece of metal.
Interesting stuff.
Mirrors have been a big deal with writers, I think. There's something very unusual and unearthly about them. Reflections we can deal with, because they are only ghosts, phosphorescent memories; mirrors present the hard duplicate and bring up questions of reality. How can such a thin piece of material contain such depth of environment? How thin is the depth of our environment? I don't know, man.
Finally, there was this girl in a car at a stop light. She looked in the windshield mirror, perhaps directly at me, then at herself, checking her face for some bit of error. The windshield mirror filled entirely with her field-of-wheat golden hair as she turned her attention to the driver-side mirror. Not much fits in that mirror because of its enlarging quality, so I saw dark, curt sunglasses and lips held together and strays of blown hair. This mirror did not content her and she turned back to the windshield mirror to stare through me, then caress her hair. When she looked from the driver-side mirror, she turned towards it before turning the other direction, as if preparing for a running start. The slight turn caused a blinking of light as the sun's rays touched and became attached to the track of her nose ring. If it made a sound I imagine it would be like a sword sliding across a piece of metal.
Interesting stuff.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Science and Philosophy
Lazy day. I'm not sure where the weekend has gone, but it's not here anymore. I think I'm going to see Jonathan tonight, but I don't know exactly what we'll do.
Interesting NPR article I read today spoke of teleportation. There's some idea called quantum entanglement which involves the vibrations atoms do, and if you separate two atoms and move them some distance from each other, there's a sort of cord connecting them so if one is affected it happens to the other.
So they say something could be moved a great distance by taking a set of atoms and forcing them upon another set a distance away. However, science becomes philosophy when you consider moving living things. Apparently, to move a set of atoms across the way, the original atoms must be "destroyed." This means, for Texas me to go to Colorado instantly, Texas me will be destroyed. Colorado me will be me in terms of behavior and memory and physical looks, but will it really be me, or a clone, or what? Remember the original no longer exists.
Very interesting stuff; reminds me of Body Snatchers.
Interesting NPR article I read today spoke of teleportation. There's some idea called quantum entanglement which involves the vibrations atoms do, and if you separate two atoms and move them some distance from each other, there's a sort of cord connecting them so if one is affected it happens to the other.
So they say something could be moved a great distance by taking a set of atoms and forcing them upon another set a distance away. However, science becomes philosophy when you consider moving living things. Apparently, to move a set of atoms across the way, the original atoms must be "destroyed." This means, for Texas me to go to Colorado instantly, Texas me will be destroyed. Colorado me will be me in terms of behavior and memory and physical looks, but will it really be me, or a clone, or what? Remember the original no longer exists.
Very interesting stuff; reminds me of Body Snatchers.
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